Harry Potter: Taught by Evangeline
by lord Martiya
Summary: ZephyrFiction challenge: just before the hunt for the Horcrux, Harry and Hermione are sent to Mahora, to be trained by Evangeline in taking down Voldemort. You'd think I would tire to expose Harry to Evangeline's cruelty...
1. Welcome to Evangeline's, sir Potter

Uh uh... That's right, I'm back at tormenting Harry Potter with exposition to Evangeline. This time, blame ZephyrFiction, HE gave me the idea. No, wait, he gave me just some baselines, the torment it's all mine...

by lord Martiya

**Welcome to Evangeline's, sir Potter**

Harry Potter felt strange. Last thing he remembered was being at Fleur and Bill's wedding, then... Wait, the Twins stunned him. Better it wasn't another prank, he had no time to waste.

"Welcome back to the living, sir Potter." a feminine voice said. It was calm, yet it bore hints of unimaginable danger. Specially given he was tied up and couldn't see anything in that darkness. "What the-BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! OH, GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

_"OK, why is she laughing?"_ Harry wondered. _"I hope it doesn't mean trouble..."_

"Harry? Who's laughing?" Hermione's voice asked from his left.

"Someone who wants to help you, miss Granger. Snort... Uh uh... I apologize, sir Potter, but your face gave me a funny idea..."

"... Can you free us now?" Harry asked. "We need to-"

"Hunt Riddle's horcrux? Yes, I know. I know that sir Dumbledore told you of how Riddle cheated death and you are supposed to search for those artifacts. The problem is, you are awfully unprepared for an hunt in the now-occupied Britain."

"W-"

"As we are speaking, you are being declared Indesiderable #1 by a Ministy under Riddle's control, and they already made Taboo the word 'Voldemort'. Hadn't the Right Honorable Scrimgeour organized your emigration, you'd be already dead, presumibly after saying 'Voldemort' and being tracked down by the traitors. Don't worry: your friend Ronald Weasley and the Weasley Twins should be enough for the hunt."

Harry never doubted of it. The problem was, what about the collateral damage and other people?

* * *

"You'd expect a member of the Order to put some more resistance." Fred commented after looking at Mundungus Fletcher.

"Oh, well, he was just an informant, not Moody." George added.

"OK, now we have an horcrux, but how we destroy it?" Ron asked.

The Twins just smiled and produced the Sword of Gryffindor.

"Where did you found it?" Ron asked.

"Percy."

* * *

"The situation is this: you will remain here until I'll deem you ready to survive in Riddle's Britain." the voice continued. "Don't even THINK to escape this place, I've already made it impossible. In fact, I don't even need you tied up."

With that, the ropes vanished.

"Oh... Thank you." Harry said. "But why are you calling Dumbledore and me 'sir'?"

Harry heard the noise of a facepalm.

"What did they taught you in Hogwarts?" she wondered. "Dumbledore was a knight of the Order of Merlin, so he was styled 'sir'. You are the son of James Potter and the heir of Sirius Black but claimed neither lordship, so you're still styled 'sir'. As for me, I am a member of the Order of the Thistle and that takes precedence on my being the daughter of a laird, so you shall call me Lady McDowell of Garthland. Later, I'll proceed to teach you the correct forms of address."

"Er... Ok... WAIT, WHO?"

Finally, light entered the room, an elegant chamber in what appeared to be a castle, unveiling that yes, Hermione was there, and yes, they were before a smiling Evangeline A.K. McDowell, the most dangerous being on Earth. And Harry hadn't a will...

_Author note_

Well, pilot chapter wrote. If you're wondering what Evangeline was talking about... Well, I used the correct forms of address of the United Kingdom (thanks, Wikipedia). And I just wanted an excuse to make Evangeline a lady, but her clan chief (yes, they actually exist) was never a lord, so... If you are instead wondering why Evangeline laughed, it's a running joke in my fanfictions. Poor Harry...


	2. Trying to Escape

Uhm... A review in the first chapter said something about Hermione being the 'obvious pairing'. Question: did I EVER wrote something obvious? Besides, I chose Hermione for exactly one reason that has nothing to do with pairings.

by lord Martiya

**Trying to Escape**

Looking at her, Harry remembered the first time he had ever heard of Evangeline A.K. McDowell, during one of Snape's DADA lessons.

Snape had tested them to see who could recognize the worst possible treath to Hogwarts' students among three pictures, and Harry scored perfectly by recognizing the 'Voldemort' as Tonks morphed into him, declaring Slughorn the worst possible treath as he could poison the students with the potions he brewed for the Hospital Wing and identifying the 'child' as either a vampire powerful enough to wear a cross-shaped pendant with little problem or a child with access to a letal weapon like a combat doll. The git declared that, while it physically pained him, he had to award Harry with 150 points, and then precised that the child was actually Evangeline, and showed what remained of an army of vampire slayer that attacked her: a note thanking for the nice meal. Then Ron had to ask why she was so dangerous if the Thousand Master had killed her, to which Snape replied: "Why is anybody assuming he killed her when he publicy admitted he just gave her a lesson in manners? Believe me, the only reason the Dark Lord is still around is because she's disgusted at the Ministry for Magic and the idiots that elected it and decided he would be a fitting punishment."

And now, Harry was before her.  
"Any question?" she asked. And Harry still had to ask.

"Why you didn't stop Voldemort?"

"Listen, I am a vampire, no flight of death can affect me."

"What?"

"Voldemort is French for 'flight of death'..." Hermione explained.

"Ah. But the Voldemort in Britain?"

"Death is natural, sir Potter." Evangeline continued, her eyes making clear she refused to call Tom Riddle in any way different from his true name.

"I meant Riddle..."

"Lesson one, sir Potter: you don't refer to traitors with their chosen name, you either mock it or call them with their true name. So, no Voldemort, only Tom Marvolo Riddle, Moldyshorts, 'That Guy With A Name Ripped Off The U-No-Poo' and things like that. And to answer your question, British wizards don't care, so why should I?"

"But-"

"If they cared, they would have started rising in arms, making some civil disobedience or leaving the country. There's just some people leaving the country and a small group of vigilantes trying some resistance."

"But what can they do?" Hermione asked.

"When Germany occupied France in WWII, French people started a resistance movement. When Germany did the same in Jugoslavia, they got TWO different resistance groups, one of which even took over after the war. In WWII Italy surrendered to the Allied powers on September 8, 1943, Germany invaded Italy and started making a puppet governement on September 9 and on September 10 there was already a resistance movement shooting at the Germans. And if you think Britons are any different, I'll have you know that in WWII we had a resistance ready and armed before Germans invaded France, my side job is exactly neutralize our glorious sovereign in case he even THINK to try and be a tyrant, and I already did five times, the thing in Northern Ireland is exactly this with a lot of grudge on both parts, and should anyone be stupid enough to try a terrorist attack in Scotland the police will have to save the terrorists from the people(1)."

"What exactly you did to the kings?"

"Charles I could have won the Civil War without me destroying his magical support. I brought the malaria to Cromwell and controlled his physician to make sure he died. I poisoned Charles II when he dissolved the Parliament a time too much. I went to James II and told him that he either left country and crown or I'd eat him. Oh, and I made George III mad as a punishment for his idiocy costing us those colonies. That idiot... WAS IT TOO DIFFICULT TO LET THE COLONIES SEND REPRESENTATIVES IN THE COMMONS AS THEY WANTED? BUT N-"

Evangeline collapsed. Behind her the doll of Snape's picture (Chachazero) was putting back a needle.

"Sorry, she never got over that." Chachazero replied. "She'll wake up calmer in a couple minutes."

Harry and Hermione looked at each other, then ran out.

"They actually think they can escape..." Chachazero mused.

* * *

"Harry, slow down!" Hermione said.

"We have no time!" Harry replied. "We must hunt the horcru-"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

Harry looked around, but saw nothing.

"Harry... You have BREAST!"

Harry looked down and found that the strange weight he had on his chest was in fact a pair of boobs. Harry then checked between his legs. Yep, fully female.

"Sorry, but I enrolled you in my own class, and I go to an all-female school." Evangeline said after popping out from nowhere.

"And you say I am evil..." a Chinese girl mused.

"You are, just in a different way."

At that point, Harry fainted. Evangeline lifted her hand, and Harry and Hermione were forced to follow her back to her cottage while the vampire hummed _Master of Puppets_.

* * *

"Welcome back to the living." Evangeline saluted Harry before giving him an I.D. "This will be your official identity card as long as you remain here."

Harry looked it, and saw himself identified as Eisheth McDowell. And a girl.

"Why?" Harry asked.

"Here in Japan is common use to give linked names to family members. As you'll fake you'll be my daughters and I am a vampire usually called Eva, that sounds like Eve, your fake names come from Succubi named in the _Zohar_, with Hermione renamed after Naamah, the mother of divination." Evangeline explained. "After all, she flunked that course at Hogwarts..."

"WHY DID YOU TRANSFORMED ME IN A GIRL?"

"Because nobody would ever expect it Don't worry, if you leave the school grounds the spell will fade and you'll get your manhood back."

"I see... Look! The Thousand Master!"

Evangeline looked at Harry.

"Do I actually look that stupid?" Evangeline asked. "Come on, try and escape, I won't stop you."

Harry did so.

"You stay here?" Evangeline asked Hermione.

"Why are you so sure we can't escape?" she replied.

"Magic."

"Then I stay here."

* * *

Harry ran. He didn't trust Evangeline to not pursue, and ran as fast as he could. Then he passed a bridge.

"WHAT THE HELL?"

And found himself in a classroom where a HUGE group of girls was trying to undress a redhead who looked like Harry in his first year with different eyes, a black-haired boy with dog ears standing ON THE WALL and a boy with white hair.

"Eisheth, meet Class 3-A. 3-A, Eishet McDowell." Evangeline said from a desk in the class.

"HI, EISHETH!"

Evangeline pinched Harry's ear and led him/her back to her cottage while explaining that Hermione and him were under the Infernus Scholasticus curse. Meaning that every time they left the school grounds without authorization from the headmaster they would find themselves in their classroom.

"Now, will you get your lessons?" Evangeline asked.

"Yes..." was the answer, Harry finally giving up. "What were they doing?"

"Don't worry, they do it all the time, but Negi, Kotaro and Fate were never molested more than that. It's a sort of tradition. And yes, they're a bit crazy."

(1)It will be noted that Evangeline knows well Scotland's people: in 2007 two people actually attacked the Glasgow International Airport with an explosive car. After their car struck the security bollards, one was lucky enough to be simply dogpiled by the witnesses before being arrested by the policeman he tried to attack, but the other, aflame, was struck down by a passing baggage handler with the father of all crotch attacks (the kicker was awarded the Queen's Gallantry Medal) and left burning (he later died in hospital). Currently British people is still laughing at the surviving one.

_Author note_

OK, why Evangeline should hum a song of the Metallica? Well, I heard a theory she was the one commissioning the song as her own theme... Still, don't expect more modern songs related to her, she's just too much of divine punishment.


	3. The Class

I received a critic about just dropping things. Actually, it was intentional in the previous chapter. That and this will be used to establish the basis for Harry and Hermione's training and relationship with the girls, next ones will have a rhythm. Also, I wish to thank Ryuus2 for beta reading this chapter. Thank you, Ryuus2.

by lord Martiya

**The Class**

Life with Evangeline was, in a word, strange. Harry had to admit that even finding a dog like Fluffy in a school was not as strange, and was recalling probably the strangest moment yet: formally meeting class 3-A. The vampire cackling the entire time and wondering out loud 'will they would fall for it?' had just elevated the strangeness.

_Flashback_

Evangeline was standing at the teacher's desk, with the actual teacher Negi Springfield (the redhead child the girls had tried to strip) sitting at Evangeline's desk in the back.

"I have two announcements for you all," she said. "First, magic DOES exist, and a crapload of people in this school can use it. This includes Negi, Konoka, Yue, many others, and me. Also, I am a vampire, and I'm the one who used to cause the attacks on Sakura Lane. I had to feed after all."

A girl (Sasaki Makie Evangeline called her) opened her mouth to speak, but decided to shut up after Evangeline made a wonderful impression of Batman's imposing death glare.

"As I said, I had to feed, and it's not easy finding volunteers," Evangeline repeated. "Second, these are my daughters, Naamah and Eisheth."

Silence fell. Then...

"KAWAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

"SO DISORIENTED!"

"THE WHAT?"

Of all the girls, only the bespectacled Hasegawa Chisame, the green haired Karakuri Chachamaru, and Chao Lingshen (the Chinese girl Harry and Hermione met during their first attempt at escape) were not hugging Harry and Hermione. The dog (girl) pile was giving Harry A LOT of good sensations and making Hermione question her sexuality. Instead, Chisame was trying (and failing) to rationalize the situation, Chachamaru was simply observing, and Chao was laughing.

"Oh, poo! At least I'll find out why they do this!" Chisame shouted.

Then Chisame joined the rest of the class hugging the newcomers.

"FREEZE!" Evangeline ordered. The ones who knew her power ran away in fear, disrupting the marshmallow heaven/hell. "I think you have questions."

"How can a vampire get pregnant?" Chisame asked.

"There's different kinds of vampires. Since I was turned I never actually died, so all my parts still work. I have a heartbeat and everything. I had to use my older form to get a functional womb, but that was all."

"Where have they been until now?" A girl with a can of bubble juice (Ayase Yue) asked.

"My estate at Casteal Badb was their residence until those sheeple who call themselves British Wizards let a terrorist take over their government. I didn't want to risk them being caught in the crossfire between the terrorists and the British Army when the Queen finally gets pissed enough to take action, so I had them come here."

"Who's the father?" Another bespectacled girl named Saotome Haruna (that Evangeline had warned Harry and Hermione to never be alone with) asked.

"Look carefully at Eisheth and take a guess."

The class (including Negi and the other two boys) looked at them. The silence was deafening. Evangeline dropped a pin, verifying you could hear it fall.

"Yes, Negi, you have two older sisters." Evangeline confirmed.

Everybody but Harry, Hermione, Chachamaru, Evangeline, and Chao fainted. Even the class ghost (Aisaka Sayo).

"I have to admit, she LOOKS like she's yours and Nagi's spawn," Chao commented. "Still, I didn't see that coming..."

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES! OH, GOD, IF ONLY I HAD A CAMERA..." was Evangeline's reply.

"I have recorded everything, Master," Chachamaru supplied.

"PERFECT!"

"Is she always like that?" Hermione asked Chao.

"Only when she's really excited. Or bored," Chao answered. "You don't want to be her target when she's bored."

After she stopped laughing, Evangeline revived the class, keeping an unreadable look on her face.

"HOW?" was the unanimous question.

"Before explaining, I must tell you that I can transform myself," Evangeline said. "Not a mere glamour or illusion, I mean complete physical transformation, the only limitation being my hair that will always remain platinum blonde."

At that point Evangeline assumed her 'official' look, getting older and sexier.

"The transformation goes down to the DNA, blood, and internal organs, so if I am transformed for enough time and at the right time of the month I can get pregnant," Evangeline explained. "One day Negi's father Nagi, a woman I later learned was his wife, and I, were in a pub. I had transformed to get my booze, we drank too much, and a threesome later I was pregnant. Second best night of sex in my life..."

The entire class was floored. Even Chachamaru and Chao. Harry and Hermione had the decency to blush.

"So, in short, you got drunk and found yourself with twins?" Chisame tried to summarize.

"Who ever said anything about twins?" Evangeline replied. "Well? It's true! After giving birth to Naamah I found Nagi and his wife to tell them what had happened. All we had was butterbeer but... Well, that time there was also the brat Nagi and his gang were going around with. I think she spiked our drinks, and I found myself again in a threesome before even starting to tell Nagi about his daughter. Best night of sex in my whole l-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

THUMP!

"After that I went after Nagi so I could tell him. My older doll Chachazero scared him away, and when I cornered him and tried to pin him down, the next thing I knew I was enrolled in this school and cursed with the Infernus Scholasticus and unable to leave." Evangeline concluded. Then she pointed at the fainted girl and added: "By the way, Kagurazaka is older than she appears, and is the brat I mentioned earlier."

_End Flashback_

Evangeline was still laughing at what she could make her classmates believe. And at the fact that she had finally gotten payback on Asuna for spiking their drinks. At least now Harry knew why she laughed the very moment she saw his eyes. Evangeline got the idea the moment she saw his eyes, before that she planned to present them as two orphans she adopted. And he had to admit it was funny, in a strange way. Not so much was Evangeline musing that they were probably related (according to her, most people with those eyes were descended from the Dark Stranger that named her clan), even if she later said she was joking.

Even meeting the local exiles community had not been as strange, and they had two confirmed MARTIANS and a giant named 'Bubbles' (not sure if it was his real name or he was spoofing the fact he looked like Cobra Bubbles from _Lilo and Stitch_). The meeting had been necessary, because among them there were some specialists that, given they knew about magic (because of Chao, obviously), could help them. For example, Evangeline insisted they learn hand to hand fighting and booked them with Mana Tatsumiya and her 'Seven Deadly Moves of Combat' philosophy. Much faster than learning her style of Aikido. Plus, Kagurazaka Asuna and Hasegawa Chisame had recently joined, and Evangeline wanted to see their expressions when she told them Harry and Hermione's real identities.

"WHAT THE HELL?"

Harry jumped up and ran to Hermione. Finding her half naked (to no effect thanks to Evangeline: she had Harry and Hermione undress near each other enough times to cancel all embarrassment) and cursing like the ancients near a cackling Chisame.

"Hey, Potter, any idea why she has 'Property of Marietta Edgecombe' tattooed on her butt?" she asked.

"A vendetta. I'd like to know how she did it..." Harry mused.

"Well, let's start with the lessons: the life of the land may be perpetuated by righteousness, but righteousness perpetuates with common sense," the bespectacled otaku ordered. Then, she smiled. And Harry knew he was in for a world of pain. In his head, but still pain.

_Author note_

You have to admit it: Harry Potter LOOKS like Nagi and Evangeline's son. After all, Negi's character design is based on Harry in the movie version, and Evangeline's eyes look like Harry's...

Casteal Badb is a fictional place I made up. 'Casteal' is the Scots word for 'castle', while Badb is a Celtic goddess of war (more accurately, of the VIOLENCE of war) whose symbol is a raven with a bloody rope on his neck. I think it would be a fitting name for Evangeline's estate...

Now, a little quiz: can you tell me where I'm having Chisame being exiled from, and why? If you can before I reveal it, I'll tell you how Marietta managed such a revenge for the 'sneak' curse. As of this moment, I'm sending the prize to Ryuus2 (who deduced it while betaing this chapter).


	4. Breaking the Cutie

In this chapter I'll do something I just HAD to do. Sorry for Hermione's fans, but I just had to do this.

by lord Martiya

**Breaking the Cutie**

"What the hell happened to you?" Mana asked Harry and Hermione.

The two Britons were not looking good. No, they looked pained and were walking like drunks. To be fair, Hermione was a little better, but not by much.

"Two hundred and sixty five paradoxes..." Harry groaned. "She declared the basics of logic and then forced us to deal with two hundred and sixty five paradoxes..."

Mana smiled amiably, then said: "Oh, don't worry, it will pass. Now, start running. Ten laps."

Harry and Hermione looked around. Surely Mana didn't mean they had to make ten laps of the World Tree Plaza?

"You're right." Mana admitted when they asked. Then she produced two Desert Eagle air soft replicas. "Fifteen laps, with me shooting at you. Now."

The first pellet hit Harry right between his eyes, passing under the glasses. The second, the tip of Hermione's nose. Then the British teen wizards started running, chased by Mana and her impossible and sadistic shots.

* * *

Evangeline was drinking tea (again) when her 'daughters' returned from their lessons.

"I see you had a good run" Evangeline stated.

"You said you would be training us..." Hermione replied.

"I am not a basic teacher. First you need to be brought to a decent level."

"Does killing a basilisk count?" Harry asked.

"It would, if it wasn't a coward suicide."

"A what?"

"Coward suicide. I was informed of what happened. Riddlecrux used Blinky to petrify some students and a cat, then lured you into his Chamber of Secrets and siced the basilisk on you, resulting in you killing his pet with a sword and him with Blinky's fang. More probable the Riddlecrux had some agenda involving you killing Blinky and him than you besting the Heir of Slytherin armed with Slytherin's Basilisk."

Harry thought about it, and admitted it made sense. And that naming a freaking Evil Eye Basilisk 'Blinky' was a bit too much...

"I see that HRH Chiu is forcing you to think. Maybe I'll be able to teach you sooner than expected." Evangeline commented.

"About that, why are you having us do that physical exercise?" Hermione wondered.

"Ever wondered why all the heroes of ancient Greece were PE nuts?"

"Uh?"

"Heracles: big as a human, strong as a Titan, more durable in the bed than even his father, and smart enough to kill the unkillable and clean the uncleanable. Achilles: literally a one man army, and he always knew what he was doing. Mad but still smart. Odysseus: famous for his brain, but still a superb fighter, strong enough to use a bow that many strong and much younger men failed to even bend, and precise enough to pull a Robin Hood. Jason: he was a diplomat, but the only things he needed to tame two fire breathing bulls were sun oil and his bare hands. Orpheus: you'd think a musician good enough to tame demons and sirens with his music would forget about physical exercise, yet he could walk fast and long enough to keep pace with the other Argonauts, whose numbers included Jason, Heracles and other heroes and demigods tough enough to walk to hell and back alive. Medea: a potion mistress, and a woman, yet the myth reports she killed her brother, a skilled warrior, using no magic or weapons.

"The reason is that the more fit you are, the better your body will absorb nature mana and convert it into magic, making you stronger. And better looking. The Ministry may have dismissed this and mandated to not teach you this, but I know for sure that the House of Ravenclaw preserved this knowledge, resulting in their power and precision being above average. And their stunning good looks."

Hermione looked at Evangeline for a few tense moments, then started banging her head on the wall, cursing about the fact she now knew why the Hat sent her to Gryffindor.

"I take it she's a bit lazy, on the physical part..." Evangeline commented.

"I broke her out of that when we sparred for the Triwizard Tournament." Harry admitted. "I was just too fast for her, and my Rictusempra is a killer..."

Evangeline narrowed her eyes, then asked if he really nearly killed Hermione with laughter. Harry nodded embarrassed.

"Not even control... What do they TEACH in that school?" Evangeline said. "Thankfully I've already corrected this..."

"How?"

"Uh uh uh... Now, that would be telling..."

* * *

A week passed, with Harry and Hermione being forced through the routines of Mana physically torturing them and Chisame doing the same with their minds (and musing on how she could now understand Ayase Yue and her love for discussions with 'Naba's Dog'). Then one day, Chisame got curious.

"By the way, how did you deal with the fact your families are now Death Eater targets?" she asked.

"The Order of the Phoenix hid my relatives." Harry said. "So I have no way to sick the Lestranges on them."

"HARRY!"

"Dey REALLY wen fuck you a lot, we-didn't they?" Chisame asked, intrigued.

"They enslaved me for ten years and tried to beat magic out of me."

"Darwin Awards, here they come... Anyway, Hermione?"

"They're in Australia." Hermione said. "I memory-charmed them into believing they were other people and move them to Australia. They didn't want to hide, but..."

"Uh... Nice idea." Chisame said. "What are their names? Maybe I can give you some info on their fate..."

"Wendell and Monica Wilkins. Dentists."

Chisame produced her computer and worked with it. Then, she shook her head.

"I'm VERY sorry." she said.

"Wh-what's happened?" Hermione asked.

"They were mind-raped by a witch and sent to Hellmouth. Oddly, the witch did this in a misguided attempt to protect them..."

"AND SHE CALLED IT PROTECTION?"

"I'm with you. Still, she was sorely misguided."

"Mis-You know who did this, don't you?"

"You sure you want to know?"

Hermione looked at her. No need for other replies.

"Well, you asked for this." Chisame said and printed something. "Here's a picture of the witch."

Chisame gave Hermione the picture, causing her and Harry to do a double take: the picture was of Hermione.

"Not funny." she said.

"Good, because it's not a joke." Chisame replied grimly. "Do you know what makes a personality? Experience, experience we conserve in our memories. Memories you FORCEFULLY took away and replaced with something entirely different. How do you call it? Mind-raping or brainwashing? The Thesaurus uses both words, but sometimes people use only one. And about the Hellmouth thing, Australia is the best approximation of Hell made by nature: it's a freaking desert, filled with wicked creatures. Local snakes have poisons that can kill 20 grown men with a single dose; the Australian jack jumper ants kill more people than spiders, wasps, snakes and sharks COMBINED; the Sidney funnel web spider actively pursues humans unlucky enough to stumble on it, and its bite provokes open sores on the survivors; the platypus doesn't kill people, but its victims are left in such hellish pain they BEG for death, and it continues for MONTHS. Should I continue with the other things that made your government colonize Australia as a prison for its worst criminals?"

Hermione tried to interrupt Chisame many times, but her indecipherable look kept her silent. Then, Hermione croaked: "It was for their own good..."

"Wasn't that Grindelwald's justification for his attempt at world conquest? That wizards should rule mundanes for their own good, or, as he put it, 'For The Greater Good'?" was Chisame's merciless reply.

"I'm not Grindelwald!"

"Oh, really?"

Chisame produced a Pensieve and activated it. Two young men appeared, and one of them spoke.

_"Gellert - Your point about wizard dominance being FOR THE MUGGLES' OWN GOOD - this, I think, is the crucial point. Yes, we have been given power and, yes, that power gives us the right to rule, but it also gives us responsibilities over the ruled. We must stress this point, it will be the foundation stone upon which we build. Where we are opposed, as we surely will be, this must be the basis of all our counter-arguments. We seize control FOR THE GREATER GOOD."_

"This memory comes directly from Grindelwald's own mind, extracted by McDowell-san after the Russki finished changing Grindelwald's own fortress in a prison and mere minutes before they locked him in." Chisame continued. "At this moment you're on Grindy's own path. What will you do 'für das größere Wohl'? Help a madman kill a few million mundanes 'for their own good'?"

That was when Hermione ran out in tears, prompting Chisame to scratch 'Breaking the Cutie from Hermione' from her 'To Do' list. A list WRITTEN ON PAPER.

"You did that ON PURPOSE?" Harry asked.

"Of course I did. If not, why research wizard history and even procure that memory?" Chisame replied. "This was exactly what I've been doing all this time: forcing you to think and find a way to break your prejudices. And the fastest way was just that, breaking the cutie. Possibly in a less damaging way than how Aberforth Dumbledore did with his brother, your late headmaster."

"The Headmaster? Why are you mentioning him?"

"Grindelwald gave away that memory after fully realizing what he did in his trial at Nuremberg. It was his own way to tell Evangeline 'Beware of Dumbledore'. For the man who spoke in the memory was Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Then, Aberforth, who fully realized what would happen, pleaded for Albus to stop for their crippled sister's sake, Grindy went Cruciatus on him, and Ariana Dumbledore was a casualty of their three-way duel. That broke the cutie from him.

"And that's also why Dumbledore was so fond of second chances and so terrible on those who blew them up: it was HIS second chance, and he just couldn't conceive not giving other people what he was given. Nor could he spare people who blew them off: as far as I know, he actually consulted the _How To Make Beg For Death People Who Would Create Horcruxes_ written by McDowell-san. Have a nice day."

With that, Chisame scratched the 'Breaking the Cutie from Harry' line off her 'To Do' list and left Harry to think.

_Author note_

Evil Eye Basilisk. Because there's not just one kind of Basilisk, but FOUR: the small Basilisk Serpent, a 30-cm, cobra-like snake so poisonous that his breath can break rocks and a horseman is said to have killed one with a spear, only for the poison to rise up the weapon and kill him AND the horse; the Golden Basilisk, whose LOOK is poisonous; the Sanguineness Basilisk has no killing look but a poison that makes the flesh fall from the bones of the victim; and the Evil Eye Basilisk, whose look literally terrorizes to death anyone unlucky enough. Guess what kind has the powers of the JKR Basilisk?

About Chisame's treatment of Hermione 'saving' her parents, she's damn right: not only did Hermione basically mind-rape her own parents with a spell that could have easily reduced them to vegetables, but she also sent them to a country where even PLANTS actively try and kill humans (google for 'stinging tree') and what isn't lethal will make you wish it was.

And before you ask, Chisame got all that info from Evangeline: after getting the memory from Grindelwald, she immediately went to Dumbledore and demanded an explanation, one that he gave by having her look in his memories.


	5. Overcoming the Limit

I must apologize to Australian readers: as one of them noted, it's not that bad in Australia (those animals and plants actually exist, but they're rare even in Australia). I think I had Chisame exaggerate too much in order to scare Hermione...

On a happier note, my latest chapter gave me ZephyrFiction approval. Next objective: TvTropes.

by lord Martiya

**Overcoming the Limit**

How? How could she have done that to her parents? That was what Hermione was wondering after Chisame's rant. Even the sight of the campus from the top of the World Tree didn't help her. What could happen to make things worse, now?

"Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of a Scotswoman."

Apart from Saotome Haruna popping up out of nowhere. Alone. Crap.

"Leave me alone," Hermione said.

Saotome just smiled, then asked, "Let me guess, you did something terrible without realizing it was so bad, and Chisame-chan got you on that?"

Hermione looked at her. Was it that obvious?

"No, it's not that obvious," Saotome said. "And I'm not reading your mind either. It's just that I know Chisame-chan, and she already tried that once with my over the top attitude. I should have got a picture of the look on her face when Kono-chan and Fei-chan pointed out I'm actually holding back... Anyway, are you feeling like a monster?"

"I **AM** a monster!"

"No, you aren't. That you feel bad is the proof; a real monster wouldn't. Trust me, I know."

"But..."

"Let's imagine you have a son you're training in martial arts, and your handbook lists a technique whose training is a horrible torture and, on the page you didn't read, notes it's actually pointless for a number of reasons. You inflict the training on your son; then, after he barely survives and gets a terrible fear of cats in the process, you read the following page and find out it was just pointless. Would you take your son to the psychiatrist in the hopes of solving the issue, or would you inflict the training on him AGAIN in order to make him overcome his fear, until he goes crazy and tries to kill you?"

"THE PSYCHIATRIST! WHO WOULD BE SO-SO-SO-"

"The definition you're searching for is 'ugly fat son of a plutz', or [ CHINESE WORD SO VULGAR THE NARRATOR CAN'T WRITE IT OR THE TYPE-99 TANKS WILL OPEN FIRE ], and the answer is my grandfather. He found a technique you teach by tying the trainee up with fish products and throwing them in a pit full of starving cats; and continued until my father snapped and started acting like a rabid cat, nearly killing him. For years my father's fear of cats was crippling, and when he snapped he got enormous strength but no mind to use it effectively."

Hermione looked at Saotome, who looked completely serious.

"You're shitting me," was her conclusion.

"I swear not, Naa-chan," Saotome replied. "Ask around about martial artists named Saotome, you'll receive unbelievable stories that will actually be TONED DOWN. I'm still wondering how my father didn't go Joker or Batman, or if I should use my father's misadventures in a manga..."

Saotome was about to leave, then gave a last bit of advice: "But don't ask Chao's manager: she may be a witness, but she'll extort you for a crapload of money."

"OK... But what the hell is a plutz?" Hermione replied.

"Don't know, but in the comic it was used in, the protagonists reaction to what it meant was 'YOU CAN'T SAY THAT KIND OF STUFF IN A TEEN-RATED COMIC!' And both his parents and uncle showed a profound knowledge of curses and insults in his presence, so it had to be pretty severe."

* * *

"So Chisame managed to hit at your prejudices..." Evangeline said. "Hermione's anti-untrained attitude, and your idolization of Dumbledore."

Harry didn't answer. He had already explained everything to Evangeline, and the vampire lady was just stating the obvious.

"Now, let me give you an opinion on Dumbledore: he was just human," she stated. "An extremely powerful and intelligent human, but still just human. He could make mistakes, and his tended to cause much more damage than ordinary people's. One of them was his belief in magic-user having the right to rule the rest of mankind, and it cost him his sister. Another was not killing Grindelwald that day, and that one mistake and the single act of mercy of a Tommy on an enemy soldier cost the world over seventy millions souls and its innocence. A third was his fear, no, terror of going mad with power; had he accepted the post as Minister of Magic or even been a little more decisive as headmaster Britain wouldn't have been so weak that a madman could take over. And fourth was his tendency to give a second chance to too many people, a tendency you suffered for. Even if I heard his first option as your guardian was ME...

"You?"

"Me: somebody who could protect you better than anyone and raise you to be strong and intelligent but not pampered. But when he finally tracked me down I was already stuck in child form and with a hell of a hormonal disorder, and as he didn't dare bully the Wizengamot into freeing me he decided the Dursleys were the safest option, without searching for Lilith. He was a good man, but still a man.

"Hermione's problem was different: she had been caught in the British wizards' superiority complex. And we had to break her out of it before getting a new Grindelwald, or even a new 'lord Voldemort'. Why are you staring?"

"Did you just make the handsign for the inverted commas?"

"As a matter of fact, I did. Now, let's fetch your SISTER before she hang hers-"

Hermione entered Evangeline's cottage, bursting the door open.

"I see you realized you don't need to kill yourself to atone for your sins," Evangeline stated.

"Teach me," she replied, a strange light in her eyes.

"Uh... Why are you so excited?"

"I must prove I'm different. I'm not Grindelwald! I WILL NOT be like Grindelwald, or Saotome's grandfather!"

Evangeline facepalmed. That was exactly the reason she didn't want Saotome Haruna alone with her charges. Well, not exactly; she actually feared those stories scared them into crippling themselves...

"Why the hell did you compare a Dark Lord to Saotome's grandfather?" Harry asked.

"For starters, he engaged his son, Saotome's father, to his best friend, then stole the dowry and left the poor girl on the road!" Hermione cried.

"You forget he never told his son his best friend was actually a girl, and he found out only when she tracked them down and tried to kill the poor lad," Evangeline added. "Hey, I was present when he found out her gender. Then I proceeded to castrate the bastard and fed him his own testicles, lest he reproduce again and make a monster out of the second child...

"Now follow me: I'll start teaching you soon. But first I'll need to gauge your level."

* * *

Grimmauld Place. Current location of the Weasley brothers hunting the Horcruxes.

"Guys, the Cup is in the Lestrange vault," Ron declared, catching his twin brothers by surprise (they hadn't tracked it down yet). "Now it's your turn. How do we get it?"

The Twins started thinking.

"Lestrange is one of those Maginazi, right? I think I can help you," a man said.

"How did you get in here? It's protected-" Ron started.

"He probably didn't take the right turn at Albuquerque," Fred joked.

"Actually, I did," the man stated, matter-of-fact-ly. "Anyway, I'll help you with the vault."

"And we'll help you in returning to Japan," George replied.

"By the way, why do you want that cup?"

"Ever heard of Horcruxes?" Fred asked.

Two seconds later, Voldemort and the Lestrange felt a chill on their backs. Rodolphus even had the feeling somebody walked on his grave.

* * *

Evangeline had brought her charges into her resort and asked them to attack with everything they had.

"Time."

"Six point seven-four seconds."

And after hearing from Chachamaru she beat them in 6.74 seconds, Evangeline commented it was less bad than she expected. Then she defroze her charges.

"You were less bad than I expected," Evangeline stated. "Also, you didn't make the typical mistake of attacking me with fire..."

"Typical? We just need to look at you to know you're a kresnik!" Harry cried. "What idiot would use fire against the one vampire IMMUNE to fire?"

"More people than you think. Anyway, while your choice of attacks was good, you clearly need more experience. Who imposted you?"

Harry raised his hand.

"Explain," Evangeline ordered, but it was Hermione to answer.

"The Dueling Club was suppressed by the Board of Governors in 1990 as 'unnecessary' after Riddle's demise. It's interesting to note that Lucius Malfoy, at the time a Governor, didn't vote as he was too busy laughing at the sheer absurdity, and so the only opposing vote came from Lady Longbottom, who would be removed from the board in 1991," she started. "Professor Lockhart used the Heir of Slytherin case as an excuse to restart it, but when the students found out Harry was a Parseltongue they mostly stopped attending, and the Club was disbanded again as 'useless' by the Board. Malfoy had a seizure and failed to vote. Then in our fifth year the Ministry imposed a willingly incompetent teacher at Defense Against the Dark Arts, and Harry taught anyone interested practical lessons."

"... Chachamaru, send a box of my chocolate and tea to Lady Longbottom and Lucius Malfoy for their dedication during their time on the Board. Now, Sir Potter, where did you learn street fighting and boxing?"

"I actually made up my combat style by myself. And I picked up some boxing tips from my cousin," Harry explained.

"Very well. Now that I feel you won't abuse, and are decent enough to survive my training, and I know where I should start, we'll immediately begin training. One thing first: I shall not teach you mage's magic. It may be extremely superior for combat, but you're already half-trained wizards, teaching you a completely different way of thinking and casting would take too much time to get you decent, and I'm no basic teacher. Instead, I'll just teach you how to overcome your limits as wizards.

"Before that, I'll give you a little folklore and history lesson. Tell me, do you know what the Deathly Hallows are?" As her charges shook their heads, Evangeline took her blackboard and continued the story. "There's a story about them. According to this story, the three Peverell brothers survived an un-survivable obstacle thanks to their magic. Death took offence, and appeared before them to reward them with cursed gifts. The elder, Antioch, asked to become invincible in duels, and Death crafted him a ludicrously powerful wand from elder wood and thestral hair. The middle brother, Cadmus, decided to humiliate Death and asked for the power to summon the dead, and Death enchanted for him a stone from a riverbed to do exactly that. The younger, Ignotus, asked instead for something that would make Death unable to find him, and Death had to give him a cloak of invisibility.

"Ignotus was the smarter. He lived until old age, and Death was unable to find him until he passed his Cloak of True Invisibility to his son. He died as expected, but on his terms, and the Cloak should still be passed on to his descendants and keep its power after a thousand years. Cadmus used his Resurrection Stone to summon his lost lover. The experience was so bad that Cadmus killed himself. And then we have Antioch and his Elder Wand: the wand performed as expected, and he bragged about it. The very night of his first victory, a man cut his throat and stole the Wand.

"Many think these Hallows exist, and may often wear or use a symbol representing the Cloak," Evangeline drew a triangle "the Stone," Evangeline drew a circle inside the triangle "and the Wand," she drew a line in the triangle. "Together, they're known as the Deathly Hallows. Of them, only the Elder Wand has ever been proven to exist, as many wizards used it, bragged of their power, and one morning woke up in hell. Near the end of the 19th century, the wand was mastered by a young Croatian wandcrafter named Rade Gregorovitch, who studied it and started efforts to duplicate its power. Then he made a stupid error. He started a rumor of his wands being what they were, copies of the Elder Wand, and one night Gellert Grindelwald knocked him out and stole Wand and mastery, before adopting the Deathly Hallows symbol as his own."

"Wait... If Grindelwald had a wand that made him invincible in combat, how did Dumbledore defeat him?" Hermione asked.

"That's the history lesson."

Evangeline snapped her fingers, and her charges found themselves floating naked in a rather large office near a group of mages and wizards in military uniforms from many WWII powers. Most notable were Evangeline, Chachazero, and Dumbledore in British uniform.

_"Welcome to the memory of the duel between Albus Dumbledore and Gellert Grindelwald. As you can see, I was a witness,"_ Evangeline's voice declared.

"Please leave him to me," Dumbledore asked Evangeline. "I failed to stop him when he was harmless, and I'd like to finish the job."

"Sign here," WWII Evangeline ordered presenting him a form that released her of all responsibilities.  
Dumbledore signed, then turned to Grindelwald, who had observed the procedure from his desk and was rather amused.

"Albus, Albus, Albus, you shouldn't attempt such foolishness... Look at this: it's the Elder Wand. The Deathstick," Grindelwald bragged showing a wand Harry and Hermione recognized as Dumbledore's own.

Dumbledore said nothing, and simply cast a spell. He appeared to miss his target. Then a large chunk of the wall ripped itself free and started moving towards its Summoner. And Grindelwald was in its path.

"Scheisse!"

Grindelwald blasted the wall into pieces and turned to Dumbledore... Only to face his own desk Transfigured into an oversized and armored polar bear. A rabid one, if the foaming mouth was any hint. And Dumbledore was already Animating many statues and armors from the corridors and Transfiguring pieces of furniture into armored and rabid beasts, ranging from the small but lethal ratel, to lions, leopards, and HUGE dogs. And a llama.

"Gott in himmel..." Grindelwald cursed, starting to fear for his life.

"Everything's better with llamas, Gellert," Dumbledore joked. Cue the llama spitting in Grindelwalds eyes and the beasts and armors attacking at once.

Then, just to be on the safe side, Dumbledore started Conjuring anvils, rocks and safes in mid-air over Grindelwald, even quoting Bugs Bunny's infamous "Ain't I a stinker?" line with a rather good impression of Bugs' voice actor at the time, adding a tint of fury and frustration to Grindelwald's fear.

Then, after a while, Dumbledore cried, "_**ACCIO DEATHSTICK!**_", ripping the Elder Wand from Grindelwald's hand with the added insult of taking an handicap by voice-casting. Then he re-Transfigured his beasts into their original forms just before the ratel could castrate poor Grindelwald and stunned his foe with his new wand.

"I think I won," Dumbledore stated, breaking the stunned silence.

At that point, Harry and Hermione found themselves back in the resort before Evangeline.

"As you could see, Dumbledore was a hell of a fighter," Evangeline stated. "He's one out of two people to have defeated Jack Rakan in single combat without using reality-warping. And Jack Rakan is more powerful than a nuke, so I think you understand why nobody in his right mind thinks he can handle Dumbledore... If you are wondering how Dumbledore defeated a being who deserved a name like That Damn Guy Who You Can Stab With Swords All You Like And It Won't Do A Thing, Dammit, I'll tell you. Dumbledore's tricks WERE being overwhelmed by Rakan's sheer power, until Rakan fell for the effects of all the sleeping gas Dumbledore Conjured at the start of their duel.

"Both battles evidence two important principles: Von Clausewitz's beloved Initiative and Sun Tzu's favored Deception. In the Grindelwald duel, Dumbledore launched unconventional but potentially lethal attacks from all directions, seizing the Initiative from the very beginning and forcing his foe to react to what was just misdirection for a simple but decisive attack. Against Jack Rakan Dumbledore was a little more conventional... In the sense he used spells devised for battle, even if the intended targets were giants, demon gods and the freaking P.1500 Monster tank. With those he pinned Rakan down long enough for the actual attack of the sleeping gas to take effect.

"This is what I'll teach you: how to use ANYTHING you know to maximum effect in battle, seizing the initiative and forcing your foe to waste his power against mere diversions. Plus some wizarding spells, of course. Your repertoire is quite limited. But once I'm finished, you'll have No Limitation As Limitation. Uhm... Maybe I should teach you the One Inch Punch too... Now, let's work!"

* * *

The Lestrange brothers and Bellatrix approached a departing Voldemort, wishing to make use of his vast knowledge.

"What do you want?" the dark lord asked.

"My Lord, we just received a notice from Gringotts, mentioning their vault tester found a Dark Object known as Horcrux in our vault and they'll act as per contract," Bellatrix said. "My Lord, do you know what a Horcrux is?"

"Tell me, Bella, why did you place it in your vault?"

"It was my idea, my Lord," Rodolphus proudly declared. "No place is safer than Gringotts."

"You know, my Horcruxes make me immortal. And ALL Gringotts contracts state that any Horcrux found in a vault will be neutralized, with anything else inside confiscated and a 10% stipend given to whoever found out."

Rodolphus Lestrange blanched.

"Bella, become a widow. I have no time to punish him," Voldemort ordered before Disapparating away.

Bellatrix was about start her torture on her husband when Lucius Malfoy intervened.

"I shall have nothing of that here," he declared. "Take him to the torture chamber."

"You have a torture chamber?" Rastaban Lestrange asked.

"You have no idea how difficult it is to remove blood stains from white walls, even with magic. The chamber is the red room."

"Nice idea, Lucius!" Bellatrix declared before taking her soon-to-be-dead husband with her. Then she stopped. "Where's the torture chamber?"

"Follow me."

* * *

Three caped men were standing before the gates to Hogwarts' grounds, waiting for Hagrid, the Keeper of the Keys and Grounds. When the half-giant came, the leader of the trio presented him with a piece of parchment.

"Are ya shitting me?" Hagrid asked.

"Actually, no," the leader replied, moving his cape to reveal himself as Severus Snape. "The Dark Lord expressed his wish to have me as headmaster, Alecto as Muggle Studies teacher and deputy headmistress, and Amycus as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and the Boards of Governors complied."

Hagrid just looked at them.

"Whatever will happen to us, I know lady McDowell is a very civilized person and a true lady, and none of us did anything to make her forget her manners," Snape replied to the unspoken question. "The Dark Lord, on the other hand, has an unfortunate tendency to show his 'disappointment' in very painful ways, so just shutting up and coming here was the less painful way out of this mess."

Hagrid pinched his nose before opening the gate.

"Follow me," he said.

"This is gonna suck..." one of Snape's companions, Amycus Carrow, said.

"Please tell me the Board is bound for a Darwin Award..." Alecto added.

"A what?"

"A Muggle mock award for people who lose the ability of reproduction by death or sterilization in an idiotic fashion."

"Most probably they'll be awarded." Snape said. "Let's go."

_Author note_

No, I'm not telling you who Haruna's parents are. I'm pretty sure you guessed the father, but I won't reveal her mother, only that a few cocktails put a duck and a tomboy together.

I didn't make 'plutz' up. In the Italian comic book series _PK: Paperinik New Adventures_, issue #27 saw the appearance of the alien 'merc' colonel Neopard, who spent the story shouting 'plutz', 'grabbaga plutz', and 'cissaa'. Then Paperinik (an Italian superhero-vigilante version of Donald Duck) asked him what those meant, and Neopard translated. Paperinik was positively horrified. And knowing his uncle (Scrooge, who went into the most horrible and curse-happy parts of the world in his youth) and parents (Hortense McDuck scared Scrooge once with her curses. And she and her future husband, Donald's father, fell in love with each other in the middle of a shouting match), it's not an easy feat.

The single act of mercy referenced by Evangeline is private William Tandey, VC, refusing to shoot a wounded German soldier at Marcoing on September 28, 1918. The name of that German soldier was Adolf Hitler. Tandey found out the identity of that soldier only in 1938, and as the war erupted he would regret sparing Hitler and try to rejoin his old regiment, being refused for his old wounds (even if the RAF had a fighter pilot with no legs, and he was an ace with 22.5 kills and a tendency to search enemy fighters) and living as a victim of both the bombing of Coventry and the Blitz.

The kresnik is a VERY rare vampire whose characteristics are strangely similar to Evangeline: the kresnik is always female (check), has enormous magical power (check), is a metamorph (check), is completely immune to holy objects (Evangeline seldom wears a CROSS) and will always keep her hair white (platinum-blonde in Evangeline's case). The only other characteristic Evangeline still has to show is the immunity to fire derived from her ability to BECOME fire. How Harry knows? Well, he was the best in DADA, and they covered vampires.

About Lucius Malfoy and the Dueling Club... Well, he's not stupid. He initially planned to try and weaken opposition to it, and really found disbanding it absurd. As for the '_Chamber of Secrets_' club... he had a son in the school, and was just realizing what he had unleashed in the school; it was in his best interest to have his son decent enough to buy time to be rescued by Dumbledore.

Before you ask, no, I will never write a duel between Jack Rakan and Albus Dumbledore. I'm simply not good enough.

The ratel, also called honey badger, is a South African badger. One that lions don't dare to hunt because it can KILL them. Search on Wikipedia or the website Badass of the Week and FEAR.

The P.1000 tank was a project for a never built tank of Nazi Germany. The tank was so big that its main weapon was an 800 mm gun firing 7.1 ton shells and its secondary weapon included two howitzers, and if actually built and placed at the side of a Baneblade of WH40K fame... Well, let's just say that it would be like placing a car at the side of a moped. And the Baneblade is the moped.

No Limitation As Limitation is actually a quote. From Bruce Lee.

The Darwin Awards actually exists. If you're wondering how Alecto knows about them... Hey, Voldemort chose her as a Muggle Studies teacher to prove muggle inferiority. If I was in her shoes I'd search for any example of muggle idiocy. And a guy who burned himself alive by smoking after having a skin disease treated with a flammable ointment and being specifically told to not smoke clearly qualifies, like many other recipients of the Darwin Awards.


	6. Meanwhile, in Britain

Sorry for the filler, but the next chapters will be a little dense and I need to set up some possibilities for them, and Harry and Hermione's return to Britain. Also, I'll try to address my main problem in writing this fic: how to represent the Death Eaters as not being all morons while they are launching a race war against an enemy that could and would exterminate them to the last man if they are not fast enough at surrendering (can anyone tell me what the hell we were doing with those nukes on the _HMS Hermes_, _HMS Invincible_, _RFA Fort Austin_ and _RFA Resource_ during the Falklands War?).

by lord Martiya

**Meanwhile, in Britain...**

Harry and Hermione were panting hard after a particularly tiring session with Mana when Evangeline appeared with a tabloid.

"Do you know anyone named Xenophilius Lovegood?" Evangeline asked.

"He's the father of my friend Luna, why?" Harry replied.

"What kind of person is he?"

"A bit crazy..."

"Almost as crazy as the Joker, but in a good way," Hermione quickly summed.

"So I suppose he can defend himself..." Evangeline mused.

Evangeline tossed them the tabloid. It was an issue of _The Quibbler_ denouncing the current Minister of Magic as Voldemort's puppet. Harry and Hermione could only wonder what was happening back at home. And if Luna and her father were safe.

* * *

"Well, I really must thank you Arthur," Xeno Lovegood said to his old friend. "Had you not kept these little jewels outside the not-charmable list I would have been in trouble."

"No need to thank me. The guys at the Ministry never realized what Muggles can do," Arthur Weasley replied. "Now, what should we do with them?"

"We burn them. But first we take out the rounds: barrier piercing ammo is quite expensive, you know?"

"And the propeller?"

"Oh, Luna can prepare WC844 just fine. And yes, we know all too well how dangerous it is, my wife's accident was with that: she sneezed too near the nitroglycerine right after reverse-engineering the WC844."

"... By the way, how did you get those?"

"Your clearance?"

Arthur Weasley decided it was better to just extract the bullets from the Death Eaters killed by the Lovegoods with their EM-2 rifles than wondering if Xeno was kidding or not about his rifles, or where those rifles came from. Wait a second...

"Tell me, Xeno, where did you get that news about Scrimgeour being a vampire?" he asked.

"From his sire, my friend Patrick. Why?" Xeno replied.

"Just curiosity..."

And now Arthur was wondering if this Patrick was just another everyday vampire, or THE Patrick Ruthven, 3rd Lord Ruthven. Xeno being friends with that magnificent bastard would explain a lot...

* * *

Lord Ruthven was not happy. Sure, he had visited his friend Xeno and his funny daughter Luna just the day before, and got a job to a recently sired ex-Muggle, but this Edelbert (snicker) Cullen not only had the same initials and last name (and only the same initials and last name. He wasn't sure if he could deal with his anti-G hair) of that fictional pseudo-vampire that was irritating the fairies by being compared to them (curse Disney for making people forget what happens when a fairy gets mad), but was proposing to ally all vampire groups with that Voldemort. And many of those presents actually seemed to be CONSIDERING. Curse the Thousand Master for keeping Lady McDowell away when she was needed... Oh, Cullen was finished. Good. Let's try and make these idiots see the light.

"Nice joke, Mr. Cullen. Now, please, could you tell us why you summoned this meeting?" he said with the smile he usually reserved for cute foo-er, girls.

"Allying with the Death Eaters was," Culled replied.

"Please, stop joking. There's no way you could be so stupid as to actually propose that."

"HOW YOU-"

Cullen was interrupted by a BAD look by sir Agravain, oldest British vampire, nominal leader of the British vampires since his predecessor Vortigern (according to Agravain he wasn't the Vortigern from Arthurian legends, but who knows...) convinced Evangeline to let him help testing her Ensis Exsequens (Evangeline's own account) and 'living' evidence that his brother Medraot was actually a bit worse than modern people thinks.

"Please, Ruthven, could you explain why you think this suggestion so unbelievably stupid?" he asked.

"Well, let's imagine we ally with Mr. Riddle and we give him full control of Britain. Let's also imagine he won't betray us. Then what?" Ruthven asked.

"We rule with him?" Cullen asked.

"No. We get DESTROYED with him. The European governments would deploy their entire Auror equivalent against him. Between Bulgaria's community of fire-powered Veelas, the bad blood between blood purists and Frenchmen, and the Italians, only ashes of ashes would remain of Voldy and any people stupid enough to join him. Hell, the Italians alone would be enough! Only god knows what they would do..."

* * *

Somewhere outrageously near Malfoy Manor four young men and two young women in Italian Army combat gear were restraining the Stunned leader of the group of Snatchers fallen in their ambush, the others lying dead. Before leaving they summoned what could only be called a small eldritch abomination to dispose of the bodies and whatever searching party the Death Eaters would send, then they jumped on their vehicle, a VM 90 Torpedo, and raced away.

* * *

"And that's if we get lucky. If we are unlucky it will be the British Army that gets us first," Lord Ruthven stated.

"You live too much with the Muggles, Ruthven!" another vampire, O'Leary, replied. "Even your clothes show it, with that ridiculous business suit!"

"Your robe was already out of fashion when my grandfather was created Lord Ruthven," Ruthven countered easily. "And trust me, Muggles won't stop until we are wiped out and wizarding civilization is kneed."

"How so?" Cullen asked. "Wizards' anti-arrows amulets will stop their bullets like they did with Centaur arrows in ancient Greece, and their weapons can't harm u-"

Lord Ruthven produced a pistol and shot Cullen.

"OUCH! IT HURTS!"

"This is a Glock 17 pistol. It fires 9x19mm Parabellum bullets, and as you experienced it hurts like hell even for a vampire, and will surely cripple or kill the wizard hit by this," Lord Ruthven calmly explained. "Pistols with similar characteristics and the same bullet are a standard firearm. Authorized police officers and army officers will be armed with similar weapons, only firing the more powerful 9mm NATO. And most infantry will have more powerful weapons. Such soldiers would quickly overwhelm the anti-arrows amulet with standard bullets, and they would NOT use standard bullets."

That shut Cullen up.

"The 1868 St. Petersburg Declaration still allows the use of incendiary bullets against rebels, which Death Eaters ARE, and for some reason we can't possibly guess the British Army started stockpiling such rounds since the start of Riddle's original insurrection. Such rounds would surely KILL us, and overwhelm Death Eater amulet shielding even faster. Also, all the small arms and heavy machine gun munitions of the British Army have been purchased or modified as antibarriera since 1943, so the shields would still be useless. So, why ally with somebody so foolhardy as to ignore all that? At least I hope he's a fool and not something the Muggles set up to have an excuse and deal with the corrupted magical government..."

"What kind of madman would set that up?" the Arab 'vampires' (a recent immigration addition) leader, Abu, cried.

"I deduce you first came to Britain after the Falklands War," the vampire leader Cerdic of Wessex stated. "When Britain goes to war, or deals with insurrections, woe betide the enemy who faces us when we have adequate funding."

"I recall that Thatcher guy deploying those city-destroying weapons in the Falklands War..." O'Leary stated.

"Wasn't Thatcher a woman?" Lord Ruthven asked. "I recall seeing her wearing skirts, and she's not a Scot..."

The vampires continued discussing, and in the end most leaders decided to stay away from Voldemort, while Ruthven wondered what the Death Eaters were doing to prepare for the inevitable counterattack. He didn't expect them to be quite THAT stupid.

* * *

Lucius Malfoy was supervising the Japanese ki-users (a particular branch of demon-fighting wizards, according to Pureblood creed. Hilarity ensues every time somebody tells that to the ki-users) installing the latest defenses in his home when he heard the not-so-delicate stomps of his sister in law.

"LUCIUS SAMAEL MALFOY! OTHER DEATH EATERS ARE TRYING TO JOIN THE TORTURE OF MY SOON TO BE LATE HUSBAND, AND ARE SAYING THEY PAID YOU FOR THIS PRIVILEGE! EXPLAIN, NOW!"

"Bella, dear, they are just expressing their solidarity to you who had to deal with Rodolphus, even in the bedroom," Lucius calmly replied.

"What?"

"Bella, if you have to hide something where nobody will ever find it, where would you hide it?"

"Mariana trench after taking care it won't be destroyed by the water pressure, and then I'd wipe my memory of its existence after reporting mission accomplished. Or kill myself, depending on the danger of being caught and interrogated."

"Many suggested something along those lines, or throwing it into a volcano if it could survive intact. McNair even considered hiding it in plain sight among the Crown Jewels if it was possible to do so without being caught, while Rookwood mentioned placing it into something called Pioneer Probe. And when they heard from me that Rodolphus imposed on you to hide a horcrux in a Gringotts' vault they all ranted about their hiding places and how they would pay to express their disappointment in Rodolphus for his foolishness and give their sympathy to you. Guess why I'm filthy rich..."

Bellatrix punched Lucius. It was a good reason, but it still pissed her off. Oh, how she wanted to return and torture her unworthy husband, or find whoever the hell told the Goblins about the horcrux and express her disappointment at their actions...

* * *

"Please repeat... You got lost with a PORTKEY?" Haruna Saotome cried. "HOW FAR WILL YOUR FAMILY CURSE GO, P-CHAN?"

"Very far... And don't call me P-Chan!" Hibiki Ryoga, the man who helped with the Cup horcrux, replied. "Could you help me return home?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll ask Eva-san to help... By the way, how did you get a portkey?"

"Helped the British goblin bank find an abuse of a vault. They gave me a souvenir they say I remade, and the guys who told me of the misuse asked them for the portkey."

While speaking Ryoga had brought de-horcruxed Cup of Hufflepuff out of his backpack, involuntarily dropping an issue of the _Daily Prophet_. And after Ryoga paid for the teleport with some of Evangeline's favorite Chinese Amazon tea brew directly from the Nyuchiezhu (or Joketsuzoku, according to Japanese people) village, Haruna stormed into the school's journal to talk with Asakura.

"Kazu-chan, I need data and pictures on an English lad named Harry Potter and his friends," Haruna said.

"Uh? Why?" Asakura replied.

Haruna just showed her the _Daily Prophet_, with a picture of Harry 'Undesiderable #1' Potter on the first page. A picture with a strong likeness to Harry's female form.

"Yeah, Evangeline would do that just for fun..." Asakura stated after guessing Haruna's suspicions. "I wonder what's happening in this Hogwarts place..."

* * *

"Could you repeat that?" Minerva McGonagall asked. The Scotswoman had just heard something that HAD to be wrong.

"I said, you shall not be head of Gryffindor nor deputy headmistress next year," her counterpart, an elder Japanese-looking woman with a beautiful but creepy young Japanese woman and a black long-eared cat at her side, replied. "The thing is, you have too many positions, and while you're a fine Transfiguration teacher you are apparently not up to the task of head of a House or deputy headmistress."

"B-"

"Professor! It's the Stone! Snape will steal the Philosopher's Stone tonight!" the creepy one cried, making a perfect impression of Harry Potter's 11 year old voice. Then, with her normal and monotone voice, she continued: "When that happened you failed to investigate even HOW three students knew of the Philosopher's Stone being supposedly held here. The fact Dumbledore was actually keeping a fake here matters not: you failed in your duties. That time and every time your students complained about Snape's venting of his frustration on anyone unlucky enough to be Harry Potter's friend. You can't be trusted with those positions."

Minerva McGonagall couldn't counter that, and wisely decided to shut up and avoid worsening her humiliation before the rest of Hogwarts' staff. Then she registered something the creepy one said.

"Wait... the Philosopher's Stone was a fake?"

"Ya really expected professah Dumbledore to keep the Stone here or in Gringotts?" Hagrid exclaimed.

"Indeed, as my granddaughter Kanako said, the one kept first in Gringotts and then here was bait for thieves," the elder woman explained. "The fake was placed in Gringotts as a lure so eventual thieves would experience the power of the Claymore mines, and recovered only for a show, for Dumbledore had some sort of project that he aborted when the thieves survived the trap. Then he used the fake as bait in a series of traps relying on surprise to do the job or the enigma of the Mirror of Erised to keep the thieves stalled long enough for Dumbledore to come there with a group of contractors he hired for the job, but when he came the thief was already dead. The contractors still got paid with something called Hecate and Zipper. I wonder what they did with those..."

* * *

In Mahora, Tatsumiya Mana sneezed while polishing the MG 42 machine gun (Hitler's Zipper, as the Americans nicknamed it) she got from Dumbledore with her beloved and useful Hecate II anti-tank rifle. Probably someone was talking about her. Was it another unauthorized biographer she would have to deprive of all his money with a rocket-backed lawsuit? She hoped so.

* * *

"At least now I know where those two came from..." McGonagall commented while remembering the mage and his over-gunned partner. "But if the Stone wasn't here, where was it held?"

"Mailed to Evangeline A.K. McDowell," Kanako stated. "She destroyed it attempting to use its power to break her curse. She nearly succeeded."

"Other questions?" the elder asked.

At first, nobody replied. Flitwick knew all too well he lost his position for letting the bullying in his House pass, while Sprout and Slughorn thanked their fairness, best showed when Sprout started decking points from anyone from outside her House she caught wearing the Potter Stinks badges and handing out detentions worse than Snape's to any Hufflepuff who dared to wear the badge and when, at the height of Voldemort's first rise, Slughorn publicly forced one of his pupils, and a Slytherin to boot, to chew soap for using the word 'mudblood'. Then Slughorn asked a question.

"What about our replacements as teachers?" he asked.

"We got Travis Aguilar to teach Herbology, and Tanya Kostava volunteered when she heard lady McDowell was searching for a potion mistress."

There was no need to comment. Aguilar was one of the greatest experts in the world, and the bonus of stealing him from the US when they got quite a share of the 'muggleborn' leaving Britain to escape the pureblood persecution was quite a satisfaction for the old staff. And Kostava... They could only thank Evangeline's good relationship with Georgian and former Soviet wizards, mages and all denomination of magic users.

"And the new heads of houses?" Minerva McGonagall asked.

"We convinced Aoyama Jirocho to head Gryffindor," the elder replied, provoking cold sweat: Jirocho was usually with his incredibly beautiful and painfully powerful and potentially axe crazy wife. "And the new head of Ravenclaw is..."

* * *

Aberforth Dumbledore was polishing a glass in his pub when he heard a scream of terror coming from Hogwarts. Differently from most of Hogsmeade's population, he didn't flinch.

"Guess they just found out who has been sent to Ravenclaw..." he mused.

"Who are you talking about?" Augustus Rookwood (a decent fellow, if you don't count his unfortunate choice of job) asked.

Aberforth told him.

"WHAT? SNAPE WOULD NEVER ALLO-Wait, your brother planned something and Snape's dead, right?" Rookwood replied.

"It's OBVIOUS my brother planned something, that's what he always did," Aberforth replied. "And as for Snape... Don't know, don't care. I kinda love being able to see spoons and other random items without puking."

Rookwood reflected about something, and then he decided to immediately try that mission Voldemort entrusted him with. Better risking whatever they would do to him if they noticed the Dark Mark, especially because they were his only hope of emigrating alive, than remaining with Voldemort too long and ending up on the wrong side of whoever was evil enough to have the Death Eater children in contact with HER. He hoped it was the Dark Evangel, wherever she was, for having someone else so evil could well be too much for the world.

* * *

"AT-CHOO! Damn fame..." Haruna cursed. "Bless you too and a beef ramen."

"Thank you," Chao replied. "Bet somebody was speaking of us, ne..."

* * *

"Anyway, the list of new appointments is on the bulletin board," the elder said. "We got one of Lord Ruthven's people for Muggle Studies, an experienced dark mage for DADA and a few Shinmei to keep them in line. Questions?"

"No offence, but who will keep YOU in check?" professor Vector asked. "You're freaking Urashima Hinata! There's not many people at your level."

"That's why I am here," Kanako declared.

* * *

Later that day, Augustus Rookwood was about to enter a particular safe house when he checked his translation spell again. Good, he could still speak Angloromani. He hoped the Romanichals would not kill him for being a Death Eater (why couldn't Voldemort and the Death Eaters understand that, for their technically being all pureblood, Roma were a little murderous against racists since Hitler tortured hundreds of thousands of them to death?) and would let him explain himself. Then he entered, and could verify that somebody was using the safe house because he was getting petrified by a Greek-language mage spell. When he was healed he found himself staring at a BIG guy with the rock arrows spell ready (probably the one who petrified him), a girl with Hellfire in her hands, a Roma with a mass of water ready to flood his lungs, a young man with some high level lighting spell ready, a young and distracted man riding what looked like the offspring of Cthulhu and Hello Kitty (when Rookwood puked, the Roma offered him a towel and some sympathy) and a girl with the legendary shotgun SPAS-12. And they all wore Italian military uniforms, albeit with their Ministry's insignia.

"I have information for you and a reserve wand on my right arm," Rookwood said.

"We already have that wand," the one with the lightning and bearing a captain's rank replied. "Now, what's the information?"

Rookwood told them he was deserting and why.

"You are sincere," the captain replied. "We'll ship you to Italy as an ally."

"Wait, how did you interrogate me?" Rookwood asked.

"Muggle truth drug. Not refined like veritaserum, but you're too stoned to resist. By the way, thanks for saving us that problem with the Dark Evangel. Pietro..."

Rookwood was petrified AGAIN, before being shipped to Italy. After all, they hadn't a terribly high opinion of Voldemort, but better safe than sorry, and sending him to Italy for the FULL interrogation while unable to resist was just a smart precaution. They really hoped he was lying: the Dark Evangel being involved would reduce profitability...

"Pause and a good dinner. My treat," Evangeline said to her charges, who were taking aspirin after Evangeline's Legilimency lesson. Then she looked at them. "No kidding, my treat: I just got the feeling we avoided a BIG mess, and they're usually right."

"And if they are wrong?" Hermione asked.

"Then I'll have you pay me back your part."

_Author note_

WC844 is a line of firearm propellant, currently used in the 5.56mm NATO cartridge. Don't even THINK of trying to produce it at home. Well, thinking is safe, actually attempting it without all the right technologies will most probably result in a big explosion.

The EM-2 was an assault rifle briefly adopted by the British Army in 1951. While well performing and one of the first weapons with the now widespread bullpup configuration, it fell quickly out of service in favor of the FN FAL for ammo standardization sake, as the Americans refused to adopt its .280 British cartridge (one of the first intermediate cartridges) on the grounds of it being underpowered and imposing their more powerful 7.62 NATO round (that would later prove too powerful for automatic fire from personal weapons). The EM-2 would later serve as the basis for the SA-80 rifle currently used by the British Army. I have no idea how two of those rifles ended up in the Lovegood's hands, and I don't want to know.

Lord Ruthven is the very first vampire of British literature, first appearing in the 1819 short story _The Vampyre_. He's not a particularly powerful vampire, but he compensates by being a magnificent bastard (just ask the guy who thought of him as a friend and who he suckered into not revealing he was a vampire for a year and a day before marrying and killing his sister the very day the oath expired). Incidentally, Lord Ruthven was also a title held by the head of Clan Ruthven (quite infamous as Scotland's magnificent bastards) from 1488 to 1600, when it and the superior title of Earl of Gowrie were declared extinct as consequence of the Gowrie Conspiracy.

Other named British vampires are actually my invention or adaptation of non-vampiric characters, as Britain is very scarce in vampiric folklore and JKR's named vampires are either low-class or already dead, with the exception of the foreign Dracula (yes, he appeared too. In a game but he appeared).

Edelbert is a true name meaning 'nobly bright', and an alternative to Adalbert. I didn't make it up!

If you think that fairies are not that terrible, I'll remind you that Morgana Le Fay was a fairy, little harmless Tinkerbelle nearly had Wendy killed because she was jealous, and the old stories are full of fairies kidnapping children, drowning travelers, and other atrocities. The Fairy Godmother was the very rare exception. The raping monsters that would gladly throw you into hell are a less rare exception. The dangerous Tinkerbelle (thank god she's too little and weak to actually attack by herself) and irresponsible trickster Puck are the standard. Thankfully, fairies are usually harmless when not provoked and iron can harm them (do you understand now why touching iron brings good luck?)... Oh, by the way, Veelas ARE fairies.

Agravain is Mordred's brother. Agravain originally had a good reputation before becoming the treacherous idiot that spied on Guinevere and got killed by Lancelot (either while he rampages to save Guinevere from the execution or while he ran away) in the Vulgate Cycle.

Veelas are usually represented as WATER and tree fairies. Either the Veelas at the Quidditch World Cup were some kind of exception or JKR failed her research on them.

The Iveco VM 90 is an Italian multirole vehicle. The Torpedo variant is the basic version, unprotected but capable to serve as a mobile command post, pulling small artillery pieces, transport up to 10 combat-capable men and many other services.

O'Leary was just the first Irish last name that popped in my mind. No relation with anyone with that name.

The 1868 St. Petersburg Declaration (full name Declaration Renouncing the Use, in Time of War, of Explosive Projectiles Under 400 Grammes Weight) is a treaty banning the use in small arms of fragmenting, explosive or incendiary bullets weighting under 400 grams in war between signatory parties, but still allows for their use against non-signatory parties, rebels, and terrorists.

Cerdic is just the first name associable with the ancient kingdom of Wessex that popped out in my mind. We don't know if he's actually related with king Cerdic or just assumed the name.

No offence meant, but in my eyes post-Norman conquest England and the later United Kingdom at war seemed limited only by the costs of winning the war, and sometimes not even by that (see World War II). And as I already mentioned, Margaret Thatcher actually deployed the 65% of the Royal Navy WE.177A tactical nuclear bombs stockpile in the Falklands War (confirmed by the British Ministry of Defense in 2003).

Samael means 'Poison of God', and is the name of an obscure angel with a double role: he's considered a fallen angel, the Snake that tempted Eve, protector and mate of Lilith and the Adversary of Mankind, but he's also a servant of God as the Angel of Death and the angel that prevented Abraham from killing Isaac, protector of Esau (yes, the angel who gave mankind the ability to choose between Good and Evil was the protector of one of the greatest morons in the Bible) and the empire of Rome, the angel that wrestled with Jacob and the one who stopped the Egyptian chariots. As the Malfoys are named with a demonic/hellish theme (Abraxas is sometimes claimed to be a demon, Lucius has the same origin as Lucifer, Draco is Latin for Dragon [that is often used as a name of Satan] and Scorpius is linked to Hades' animal, the scorpion), it seemed appropriate to me as Lucius' second name.

Placing a Horcrux into the Pioneer probe is a little homage to Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality (where the author actually had Voldemort making a Horcrux out of the Pioneer plaque. Now you know where those images of the Pioneer plaque with Voldemort on it come from). Go and read it.

Gotemba is a city in Shizuoka Prefecture very near Mount Fuji. We don't know where the Hibiki home is, but in the Ranma 1/2 manga we saw it was very near the Fuji.

The PGM Hecate II is an anti-materiel rifle, effective against soldiers, unprotected vehicles, lightly armored vehicles and even helicopters and airplanes (fire an explosive bullet in the jet engine of an F-16 and the plane will fly no more). The Hecate II fires .50 BMG bullets to an effective distance of 1800 m and a maximum distance of 2000 m. And Mana has been shown using one of those in _Negima!_. Do you remember the ridiculously big rifle she used to prevent love confessions? It was that. Don't know how Dumbledore got one, and I don't want to know.

The MG 42, nicknamed Hitler's Zipper and Hitler's Buzz saw, was a WWII German general purpose machine gun. Its rate of fire was so fast that the gunners wouldn't hear the single shots in quick succession but a continuous noise similar to a zipper or a buzz saw (hence the nickname). The MG 42 is the basis of many modern machine guns, such as the German MG 1 (essentially a MG 42 rechambered for 7.62 NATO rounds) and MG 3 (an MG 1 with improved feeding system, an anti-aircraft sight and a new feeding box) and their many renamed variants. Mana was shown owning one in the _Negima!_ anime, but she never uses it. This time I know how Dumbledore got the weapon: the Ministry got some during WWII, and Dumbledore just picked up one of the 'useless' war trophies (bet Arthur Weasley got one after getting his promotion).

Travis Aguilar is named after Zetsu's US and Spanish-language voice actors. He's American with Spaniard's ancestry. Don't know if he'll become more than a name.

Tanya Kostava is named after Georgian independent leader Merab Kostava. Tanya is Georgian as a nod to ancient Colchis fabled potion mistresses, such as Circe, capable of transforming men into animals with her potions, and Medea, whose potions could either burn a city to the ground or resurrect a man cut to pieces in better health than when he died.

Angloromani is a particular Creole language of English spoken by the Romanichals, the British Roma. It has the same grammar, syntaxes and pronunciation of Queen's English, but replaces most words with their Romani equivalent.

While many people forget that because of the sheer horror of the six million Jewish victims of Hitler, Roma and others were exterminated by Nazi Germany. The extermination of Roma is, if possible, even more horrifying, because their victims (between 220,000 and 1,000,500 people) were not simply gassed but tortured in medical experiments in order to understand the mechanism of racial purity (Roma people ARE racially pure, according to Nazi beliefs), but also because of the sheer hypocrisy of exterminating the one population of Aryan Ubermenschen (yes, they are not only racially pure but also Aryan. Take THAT, Hitlari).

The SPAS-12 is probably the most famous military shotgun in the world, appearing in dozens of movies and videogames and at least one anime (_Black Lagoon_, it's in Roberta's umbrella).


	7. OC of 'Meanwhile, in Britain'

This one is dedicated to the OCs of the last chapter, divided in groups and listed in order of appearance or mention. Note that in three cases they're actually my interpretation of existing characters. Good reading.

* * *

British vampires: as I said, I needed to fill in. Here they are.

Patrick Ruthven, 3rd Lord Ruthven: my interpretation of Polidori's infamous character. He's a magnificent bastard, but is borderline depressed due to the absence of any intellectual challenge, his inability to find somebody who is both intelligent and cultured enough to give him a good chat and being forced to deal with idiots all the time. Idiots that had the common sense to shut up when Evangeline was around (guess what, he hates Nagi Springfield). Note: he's a fan of the _Anno Dracula_ series, and finds his interpretation of his character in the novels very realistic, if a bit toned down. He's an oddly weak nosferatu vampire.

Edelbert Cullen: an Ulster vampire leader, he's quite arrogant and a firm believer of blood purism. He also hates muggle military, as he believes them, principally the 1st Battalion, The Parachute Regiment, to be responsible of his perpetual migraine, started when he was watching a civil rights march in Derry and saw that very unit starting shooting the marchers before he was hit by something and the migraine started (if he only asked an healer or anyone with half-decent experience with muggles he would find out he was hit by a stray shot from the 1st Battalion in the second Bloody Sunday and still has the bullet in the head). He's a vrikolaka vampire powerful enough to walk in the sun.

Sir Agravain: once a valiant Briton soldier under king Owain Ddantgwyn, who he nicknamed 'bear' (unwillingly creating the basis for the Arthurian legends, as 'art' is ancient Gaelic for 'bear'), he was made a nosferatu vampire by his half-brother Medraot (Mordred), who he paid back with a light arrow right in the wound created by king Owain at Camlann. He's quite patient and can bear a grudge for centuries, as shown when he paid back the Saxon support of Medraot by single-handedly giving William the Conqueror the victory at Hastings, first by hypnotizing groups of Saxon warriors into leaving the shield wall and charging into being slaughtered by the Normans, then by killing Harold's brothers and many Housecarls, thus depriving their army of the backup leaders and many veteran warriors when they were best needed, and as third by leading three Norman knights into butchering Harold Godwinson (the 'killed by arrow' tradition is later).

The Vortigern: true name Constantine II of Britain, he calls himself The Vortigern (meaning 'overlord' in ancient Gaelic) for his ancient double job as Roman prefect of Britain and king of the Britons. Got sired by a Pict vampire, and held a grudge against Picts and Scots in general since then. He was a good leader, but he once made the error of daring Evangeline (who he had the habit of calling half-Pict to scorn her) to test on him one of her original spells, being disintegrated when she took his offer (his last words are reported to be "What? I was kidding! Stop, you half-P-!"). He was an upir vampire (a kind of vampire with particularly oversized fangs and enormous stamina, as failing to completely break his heart with the first staking will mean death for his slayer wannabee), and wondered where the hell his sire came from until he met another one in a Viking invasion (note that he was the exception, as the vast majority of the upirs emigrated to Russia).

Sean O'Leary: a XIV century Irish ubour that got the power to walk in the sun, he's neutral and cares only of his clan.

Abu: more a blood sucking jinn than a true vampire, he still associates with them as they're the only ones in Wizarding Britain to treat his people like equals. He often jokes with his being a jinn by carrying an oil lamp and observing people who try to take control of him by stealing it. He can morph into fire and can great magical powers even for a jinn, but can be kept at bay with high-pressure water.

Cerdic of Wessex: a vampir (a vampire from Roma traditions) vampire from Cheddar, got his position by ruining the reputations of his enemies. Most people, including the other vampire leaders, believe him a vrikolaka, as he's always overdressed to hide his being an invisible vampir.

* * *

Teachers and other Hogwarts personnel: other guys filling in.

Mana's partner: still a mistery. Ask Mana. Ain't I a stinker? *chew carrot*

Travis Aguilar (not sure if he'll actually appear): a wizard from Texas, he's actually a very pacific person, and a world-class expert of herbology.

Tanya Kostava (not sure if she'll actually appear): a witch from Georgia, she's said to be a direct descendant of Medea. She's a calm and collected person, a Parselmouth (she usually keep it hidden because she's annoyed by all the adoration she gets in her country for this), and, like her alleged ancestress, owns a chariot driven by dragons (the ban on dragons was lifted in 1931 in Soviet Union on Stalin's order, and Georgia never reinstated it).

Aoyama Jirocho: he's a very nice man, apparently harmless. Warning: he's married with Aoyama Tsuruko from _Love Hina_ and is still alive.

The new head of Ravenclaw: American, she married nine times (two of which in US) and purposely scared to death eight husbands before the wedding night. She also killed her second husband by exhaustion on their wedding night (got a child with an enormous superiority complex in the process) after failing to scare him to death. Has also a (muggle) lover, who helped her setting on fire a summer camp when they were 14. Thanks god she's a responsible person and doesn't kill her charges...

* * *

The Italian commando: they're a scouting and sabotage party sent by the Italian ministry, and use the VM 90 Torpedo for mobility because they suspect the British Ministry may be able to track most or all magical transportation ways but won't care of a muggle vehicle. While quite talented, these six guys are very unexperienced (the oldest is 22, the others 21), and have been sent as the British Ministry is not considered worth of more experienced personnel. Note: they will NEVER use their real names during this operation.

'Pietro': the biggest and oldest, is a relatively pacific guy with great physical strenght and proficiency with Earth and Ice spells. His right arm is always in a cast. His codename is the Italian equivalent of Peter, meaning 'stone'.

'Mullo': actually born in Romania and adopted by a Swiss family, he's of Roma origins. He may pass as arrogant, but he just doesn't care of anything but his adopted sister and his friends. He's mainly a potionist, but he can use water spells to high proficiency, and in place of a wand (he still carry one as a bait) uses an enchanted and ludicrously powerful deck of Tarots that, had he enough magical energy and skills to fully use it, would make him invincible (he's still nowhere near the needed level of both). His codename is a wordplay, as 'mullo' is a powerful and fertile but short-lived vampire of Roma tradition but also sounds similar to mulo (Italian for 'donkey'), an animal he's frequently described to resemble in obstination (his answer is usually "So what? Mules goes everywhere...").

'Xadhoom': a nice girl, both as person and in looks. Too bad her fiery temper perfectly match her ability to shoot fire spells (she had been observed using the Incendium Gehennae spell many times in a raw without burning herself). Her codename comes from a character in the Italian comic book _PK: Paperinik New Adventures_: Xadhoom is an alien scientist who mutated herself into pratically becoming a star in humanoid form and size and wielding absolute power over matter and energy, and holds a grudge with the aliens that destroyed her world during her experiment (she says that they owe her her homeworld, and 'xadhoom' in her language means 'creditor'), that she tends to burn alive at every occasion.

'Lampo': the head of the group and captain, comes from an ancient family. He was made the leader not just because a good combatant and quite capable, but also (and mostly) because he's the most sane and cool-headed (Pietro, Mullo and Xadhoom are easily more powerful and better combatants than him, and Nori would be a better leader if she was just a little more sane and cool-headed). He mainly wields lightning spells. His codename is Italian for 'bolt'.

'Franco': he's completely crazy, and treats as pets the Chtulhu-like abominations he's quite adept at summoning. Thankfully he's good natured, not really proficient at combat spells (he usually relies on his pets and firearms) and listens to Lampo... His codename is a play on Frankenstein.

'Nori': Swiss naturalized Italian on graduation, she's the healer of the group. And the one reason Mullo is in the unit, as she's her adopted sister that he would follow everywhere. Not particularly good on ranged spells, in combat she relies on physical augmentation spells and firearms to fight anyone who escapes her brother. Her codename is a play on the Italian name of Nuremberg (Norimberga), the various Nuremberg Trials against war criminals and the fact that hiring Swiss pikemen is a war crime.


	8. Evangeline Speaks

This time I shall unleash madness on you. Madness and fanservice, hetero, yuri, and YAOI (I realized after I wrote the scene). Oh, and now we'll start to see how I destroy ANY possibility of canon or classical HP pairings in this fic, as per challenge conditions (I had already started in _Breaking the Cutie_, but now it will be evident).

by lord Martiya

**Evangeline Speaks**

"I was just informed that many British vampires have joined Riddle. A lot less than I expected, actually, but still a considerable number," Evangeline told her charges. "So, here we have two volunteers. How do you prevent a sired human from becoming a vampire?"

"Kill the vampire," Harry said. "At least they saved Mina that way in Dracula, and a Nosferatu vampire at the Slug Club told me that the actual Dracula provided Bram Stoker with factual information..."

"Now that we have determined that Vlad is as much a glory hound as ever, how do you prevent the turning after the victim has already died? Show me."

Evangeline theatrically produced two coffins with a man and a woman in them and various objects.

"You don't have much time left: these guys have been bitten, ingested my blood and then completely drained exactly two days, four hours and thirty-seven minutes ago. Considering my power and theirs, they'll wake up in two minutes. And they'll be hungry," Evangeline announced, prompting Harry and Hermione into staking them, filling their mouths with garlic, beheading them and drenching the bodies in murky water (just to be safe and rot them faster).

"Where the hell did you find volunteers?" Harry wondered.

"Amycus and Alecto Carrow came to me on their own and even PAID for that by donating all their money to Hogwarts," Evangeline replied. "Poor children... Well, I guess that beats telling Tommy they couldn't corrupt the British youth or what I originally had in mind for them."

Harry and Hermione looked at each other, and decided they didn't need to know.

* * *

Voldemort had just returned to Malfoy manor, where Lucius told him of a strange encounter he'd had. Namely, he had been captured by a dark-skinned, big-breasted woman that administered something to him she called SP-117, and then woke up naked, flailed, and hanging upside down from a tree. As expected, Voldemort peeked in his memory, finding he had been interrogated on his actions as Hogwarts' governor.

Voldemort was puzzled. Just what was happening?

* * *

It was the middle of a theoretical training session, just after Evangeline had finished showing her charges the fourteenth episode of _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_'s second season to further illustrate how you could destroy the indestructible by thinking hard enough, that Harry asked a question, not on the episode.

"Rephrase, please," the vampire ordered.

"Why are you training us? You're not interested in Magical Britain's welfare or us, and repeatedly say you don't help anyone without a good reason," Harry repeated.

"Scrimgeour freed me from Nagi's Infernus Scholasticus, and this is my part of the deal."

Harry and Hermione exchanged a look.

"I know, I know, Nagi filled his curse with more magic than Scrimgeour could deal with, and even customized the curse so the school barrier would seal my power, so how could he free me from it?" their teacher asked. "The answer lies in the very nature of the curse: it depends on the subject being enrolled in the school. And the Right Honourable managed to find the papers proving I should have graduated twelve years ago: as the headmaster registered them, I was free. In exchange, Scrimgeour asked me to assume a direct role in my property's administration, train the two of you, and make Voldy's domination a little more difficult."

"Wait, we should have been stuck in Hogwarts then!" Harry said.

"You got transferred to Mahora. Now get dressed, my maids."

"Your WHAT?"

"You have been made my Maids of Honour. After all, I descend from the kings of Galloway, and eight Maids of Honour are a nice way to remind the purists they should kiss the ground I walk on. And the one we lay waste on too."

"You and who else?"

"It's pluralis maiestatis. Majestatic plural. The Royal We. When somebody has an important role, like kings, emperors, popes, university rectors and others, they're so important that one of them counts as two and speaks of himself as 'we'. And we are remarking we're of royal blood. And you're on a teaching trip."

While the sadistic vampire left, Chachamaru gave them two French maid outfits, completed with sashes decorated with Evangeline's personal white and red tartan, her personal crest badge, basket-hilted claymores and ear decorations that looked like Chachamaru's antennas.

"Harry, I think I understand what's happening and why Chachamaru was at Hogwarts that day," Hermione said, remembering one of the strangest things that had happened to them in Hogwarts.

_Flashback, April of that same year_

Harry, Hermione, and Ron were at the entrance of Hogwarts when a frantic Hagrid introduced Chachamaru, at the time dressed with the French maid outfit, the sash, and the crest badge. After Hagrid ran away in pure TERROR, Chachamaru walked to the school bulletin board and pinned a parchment on it before leaving. Before they could read it, a passing Snape took a peek and started laughing hysterically, while Cho Chang and Luna Lovegood read it many times.

"What the hell is written on that?" Ron asked.

"I d-" Harry tried to say he didn't know, but Luna interrupted him. With a French kiss. And Hermione could say nothing either as Cho was kissing HER. Then the two girls left, considerably more excited than when they'd arrived.

"Potter, why didn't you use this occasion to mend your relationship with Chang and start a harem out of her, Lovegood and Granger?" Snape asked. "Given you are a teenager, this was clearly idiocy! Ten points fro-"

Harry was kissed by Anthony Goldstein, another Ravenclaw, who then kissed Ron and Hermione.

"Forget the point detraction; that was enough punishment for your idiocy," Snape stated after observing Harry gagging like he had been poisoned. "A little advice: close yourself in your tower until the Ravenclaws calm themselves."

For once in their lives, the trio obeyed Snape with no objection, and ran as fast as they could. Especially after professor Flitwick read Chachamaru's bulletin and kissed his fellow professor.

_End flashback_

Harry curled in a fetal ball at the memory of the kissing teachers, preventing Hermione from illustrating her theory and forcing her to dress Harry too.

After that, Evangeline barged in, dressed in a very unusual way: while the adult form was not unusual, her green robe with lateral zips on the skirt, the full plaid with her personal tartan, boots, Order of the Thistle medallion (with related mantle), her crest badge with the three eagle feathers of a Scottish Clan Chief and the badges of Victoria Cross, George Cross and Hero of the Soviet Union were. Also, she had a magical staff; apparently custom-made or at least customized given it was covered in electrum.

"Hero of the Soviet Union!" Harry exclaimed. Then noted the looks from those present. "Dudley's fixated with last stands and considers Stalingrad one that translated in a victory. But the badge?"

"When the Nazi's and Grindy invaded the Soviet Union, Stalin panicked and cried for help. Churchill was bastard enough to send us, and we arrived to Moscow overrunning and vaporizing any enemy troop we met, before parading at the head of the Red Army on November 7 and reaching the front with the troops." Evangeline admitted. "An hell of a battle, but without the Italians and their antibarriera in the sector they had no means to stop our might."

"Antibarriera?"

"Long story short, the Ancient Greeks created barrier spells and talismans to deal with Centaur arrows and reserved them to their wizards. Romans perfected them. Muggles countered the things with infantry weapons capable of overwhelming the barriers in a few minutes. Then the Italians in 1937 found a cheap way to produce barrier-piercing weapons, started enchanting their bullets, and called them antibarriera. Quite a nasty surprise when we and the other fliers were sent to deal with those fucking biplanes...

"And it was even worse when the Italians changed sides. To deny the Germans any advantage and kick them out of the country sooner, they took away the spells from their ammunition factories in Val Trompia and taught the Allied Powers how to make them. Imagine, a few thousand wizards and mages having to face the full might of the Red Army, millions of bloodthirsty soldiers that become even more furious with every step they take toward your home because they see what you have done to their and their comrades homes and families, and every gun arming those millions of avenging fiends from the coldest hell of this world is loaded with barrier-piercing ammo... Seriously, that scared Grindelwald's followers even more than us marching at the head of the Siberian Divisions. But enough with history, let's go!"

And with that, Evangeline showed her 'Maids' the marvels of her Darkness portal.

* * *

Molly Weasley was puzzled. Given the Ministry's takeover, she didn't expect the Muggleborns to be there to board the Hogwarts Express. Yet they were, with no harm at all. Also, she could see many people dressed in a very strange way she remembered was Chinese or somewhat in origin, one of which had a crane on her shoulder, and armed with swords of varying size. Not to be deterred, Molly approached the leader and asked who they were.

"The Owner of the school, worried by the increasing terrorist menace, hired us, the Shinmeiryuu, to guard the train and prevent any assault on the students," she explained. "Her worries were apparently justified, given the lies on the administration published in the Daily Prophet and the fact we have already restrained quite a number of Death Eaters and sympathizers, some of them claiming to be Aurors."

The woman's right arm became a blur for a single instant before placing the sword back in the sheath. When had she unsheathed it?

"Another caught."

Molly Weasley turned to see, and was greeted by the sight of John Dawlish clutching his genitalia while a couple of these 'Sinmeilyu' grabbed him. Seriously, bashing Dawlish was becoming a running gag...

* * *

In Britain, Harry and Hermione found who Evangeline's other Maids of Honour were, apart from Chachamaru, Chachazero, and themselves: Hasegawa Chisame, who was counting a few yen notes; Tatsumiya Mana, also paid; a resigned Asuna Kagurazaka; and Cho Chang, who was currently being aroused by Harry dressed as a woman and laughing at him BEING a woman. At least until Hermione put her wand at Cho's throat.

"How?" she asked.

"How what? Please specify, Granger." Cho replied.

"The 'Property of Marietta Edgecombe' mark on my butt."

"Well, I could teach you the spell, but somehow I doubt that's what you mean. And I don't know how she managed to do it."

In that moment Cho decided that the resemblance between Hermione Jean Granger (once Hermione JANE Granger, until the end of her fifth year. Then she had her middle name changed so she would have nothing in common with Dolores Jane Umbridge) and Evangeline Athanasia Katherine McDowell could not possibly be a quirk of fate, Hermione's look was too scary.

"But I have an idea of it." she admitted. "You see, I was the one who air-mailed Harry and you to Lady McDowell, and-"

"AIR MAIL?"

"In a crate. Muggle transportation is not controlled by the Death Munchies. Anyway, I got you via portkey, and I didn't need to know who sent you to me. Maybe it was Marietta."

"Cheers!" Chisame declared. "And yes, Hermy, I know well enough what she did. Just a question: do you know how stressed she was? A once-strong friend reduced to a crying wreck, ostracized for staying loyal to said friend, the DA being illegal, the DA being called Dumbledore's Army with all the compromising meaning those two words had at the time, remind me to spank the idiot who had the idea, the threat to her mother's job, and her crying friend lending herself to cover two secret lovers who didn't fool anybody, can you blame her for breaking and doing a stupid thing?"

Hermione was quieter now. Then she realized something Chisame said.

"What secret lovers?"

"You and Harry, of course. Everyone in the school knew you were 'secretly' dating, there's still a betting pool," Chisame replied. "That's why Luna Lovegood didn't barge in and snatch Harry, according to Zabini. And yes, I know you weren't secretly dating, that's why I bet fifty galleons on that."

Harry and Hermione were blushing. A lot. And Cho was mumbling something about knowing why Hermione was a Gryffindor and not a Ravenclaw.

"Wait a second... Are you telling me they're not dating now?" Cho asked.

"No time or worthiness for love." Hermione growled in reply.

"There IS a reason I bet over three hundred thousands yen," Chisame said smugly. "I wasn't expecting that, but as soon as I realized the collateral effect I checked the conversion rate, then I picked up the phone and called Zabini. Don't even think about it, and be thankful I couldn't bring the heavier weapons."

Harry, Hermione and Cho were aiming their wands at Chisame, who had produced a lupara: Tatsumiya Mana and Akashi Yuna were not the only gun owners of Class 3/A, apparently.

"Stop fooling around, it's 11 o'clock," Evangeline announced. "It's show-time."

* * *

Many journalists had been summoned for a press conference from Rachel MacDouall, the Clan MacDowall representative in the Wizengamot. There weren't just British journalists there, but also people from the Italian _Il Corriere del Mattino_, the French _L'Eternitè_, the American _New York Prophet_ and _Los Angeles Prophet_, the German _Die Zauber Zeitung_, the Japanese _Mahou Shimbun_, and many others. All of them and the watching Death Eaters and opposers expected something big, and were quite happy when the Member of the Wizengamot finally spoke.

"Announcing the coming of the press conference organizer, lady Evangeline Athanasia Katherine McDowell of Garthland, VC, GC, LT, chief of Clan MacDowall and Heir of the Lords of Galloway and Rowena Ravenclaw."

Big, but not THAT big. The last title was one she almost never used. Yet, that WAS the freaking Dark Evangel in her official appearances attire, complete with robotic maids of honor. One of which even resembled a female Harry Potter. Wait, the Dark Evangel had been reported dead. Could it be that this one was an impersonator?

The journalists ducked under Bellatrix Lestrange's Fiendfyre spell. A Fiendfyre that was frozen before even touching the target. Yes, she was the real deal. Draco Malfoy disapparated away.

"Who did it?" Evangeline asked, obviously annoyed.

Bellatrix stepped forward and spoke, "Please, could you sign this?"

"Our _Evangeline's Guide to Male Torture_... We didn't expect somebody would ask for this after two hundred years." Evangeline replied before signing 'To our fan Bellatrix.' "Why did you even read it?"

"My husband hid something in a very foolish place, and I was finally offered the occasion to show him my displeasure at his way of fulfilling his marriage duties."

Evangeline looked into Bellatrix' mind and, after seeing the tortures, modified the signature to 'To our fan Bellatrix, who made art out of our advice.'

"Please, could you step down? We have a conference to hold." Rachel MacDouall asked Bella.

The starry-eyed Bellatrix moved away happily.

"Draco, what are you doing?" Lucius Malfoy asked.

"Dark Evangel's back. And is the Heir of Ravenclaw." Draco replied while still working on his school stuff.

As soon as his son finished, Lucius cast the Infernus Scholasticus curse on him. That way, he should be safe. The Dark Evangel had a relatively soft spot for children, and considered students as such.

"Now, I think you are wondering why we summoned you here." Evangeline started. "It's about Hogwarts. Our school. Our property."

"How is that possible?" a Russian journalist asked.

"The Founders of Hogwarts were not stupid: while property and administration of Hogwarts would be entrusted to their Heirs and, in their absence, to the Board of Governors, they knew that blood alone was no guarantee of having a worthy Heir, so they regulated the thing differently. To be the Heir of a Founder you need a link to her, be it descendance or simply being Sorted in her House, and then to pass a series of tests. We happen to be a direct descendant of Rowena Ravenclaw, and we passed the tests during the Forty-Five.

"Now, for our own reasons we had entrusted Hogwarts to the Board of Governors, but we have been recently made aware of many of them stealing funding from the school, cutting various necessities like the Dueling Club, and pretty much shitting at the job. Such crimes have been made only worse by their sacking from their numbers people who actually did the job, like Augusta Longbottom or, the irony, Lucius Malfoy, who, in spite of being a wanted criminal of the worst sort, never stole a knut from the school, and who, during a recent issue with Slytherin's basilisk, had the common sense of trying to prevent Albus Dumbledore from being suspended, being then accused of blackmailing his fellow Governors into suspending Dumbledore and sacked.

"But their worst crime was to try and impose their despicable choices over ours. You see, in the last year Dumbledore was dieing, and as such he asked us to appoint his successor. With his advice we chose Urashima Hinata, comparable with Dumbledore in sheer intelligence and administrative abilities and much less controllable by anyone who is not God. We also appointed the mage named Fate Averruncus as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and reinstated a few positions that the Board had cut to hide its thefts. We made that clear by appointing it on Hogwarts' main bulletin board, which they are obligated to watch on weekly occurrence. Yet they had the gall to appoint Severus Snape, Amycus Carrow, and Alecto Carrow, three known and wanted murderers and Death Eaters, respectively as headmaster, Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and Muggle Studies teacher. Snape and the Carrows have been dealt with, as will be every follower of Voldemort daring to approach my school."

As Evangeline finished speaking, a dozen Snatchers apparated in and attacked her, being then blown into pieces for the attempt.

"Stupid szmalcownicy wannabee... Seriously, where does Voldemort recruit them from?" she wondered before being attacked by and dispatching another group of Snatchers. "Well, well... Chachamaru, take note. We'll be passing by the Ministry to claim Greyback's bounty."

"Noted, Master."

"Now, ladies and gentlemen, returning to the Board members. We can assure you we'll make them pay. They'll give the money back, and then they shall be punished. Questions?"

Most journalists were content with that. The story of the Dark Evangel challenging Voldemort and the new assets of Hogwarts her Maids of Honour were distributing descriptions of was more than enough. But Rita Skeeter had been paid to pose a question at that very moment.

"What about Britain's 'issue' with the Dark Lord?"

"This is a democratic country, and the people want him. Why should we interfere?" she replied.

Even Chachamaru stopped dead in her tracks.

"C-Could you explain that?" a Brazilian reported asked.

"This is Britain. When Grindelwald and his armies marched to the beaches of France and threatened to cross the Channel and subdue us, us, the Britons, resisted, and fought them all over the world, be it across the skies of Albion, the plains of France, the deserts of Libya and Egypt or the frozen steppes of the Soviet Union, until their force was broken and Grindelwald got his ass kicked by his own office. Bet Grindelwald's regretting killing Dumbledore's sister; last time we checked he started screaming every time you saluted him with Dumbly's voice...

"Now, let's compare that with Voldemort's organization. They are lesser in numbers; in spite of Bellatrix there, they are on a lower average; they are so stupid that we just killed the third dozen of them because they continue to come and attack us every time we say the word 'Voldemort'. And this was the fourth dozen. Yet the people of Britain let them do whatever they want. So, they either WANT Voldy or they are foolish cowards.

"Foolish, because their numbers are such that they could face the Death Eaters and Voldemort at once bare handed and win. Cowards, because... Well, do I need to remind you of Beauxbatons holding against Grindelwald's hordes for four years until relief came and routed the besiegers? Or Leningrad's glorious defense? Or the Italian Ministry for Magic's defense against Grindelwald's assault? Or Moscow's desperate fight against the advancing hordes of evil? Or how the defenders of Stalingrad swore that there was not land for them on the other side of the Volga and forced the first surrender ever of Grindelwald's and Hitler's troop, including for the first time in history, a Prussian Feldmarschall? Their odds were worse, yet they had the guts to make a stand for what they believed in. To defend Moscow, the Soviets even accepted help from me, a NOBLEWOMAN. And even that pales when confronted with the battle of Wizna, where the Poles, the MUGGLE Poles, resisted three days against such overwhelming odds that even considering resisting for five minutes would amount to madness.

"We intervened with Hogwarts because it's ours and we can't tolerate anything less than excellence and striving for perfection from what is ours. But if the wizards and witches of Britain are against Voldemort, then we can't lower ourselves to help cowards who consider their only hope a young man they laughed at when he first tried to warn them about this, even if he's working to make Voldemort killable. Should the people actually fight we may consider giving some help. But only then."

With those words, Evangeline portaled away with her entourage.

* * *

Evangeline was looking down from the _Daily Prophet_ roof, her entourage looking at her.

"You-you just encouraged the people to fight..." Harry said. "You gave them courage. I can't believe it. You HELPED the people!"

"No. I just did the one thing Dumbledore didn't dare to do, as he knew it may destroy British wizarding civilization and expose the Magical people to the greater world," she replied. "Will you be able to stop this?"

They looked at Evangeline without understanding. Then they heard screaming. An explosion. Gunfire. And Evangeline's statement.

"Begun, the Civil War has."

_Author note_

Believe it or not, but according to the Harry Potter Wiki Dracula actually exists in the _Harry Potter_ world. Differently from most works, this one is not Vlad III the Impaler turned vampire but his father Vlad II the Dragon (in Romanian, Vlad II DRACUL. The actual historical Dracul). We can suppose that Vladislav II taking over Wallacchia involved Vlad Dracul being turned into a vampire. That and Mircea II (Vlad Dracul eldest son) being blinded and buried alive would explain Vlad the Impaler taking that nickname...

Before you ask, yes, I watched _Buffy VS Dracula_ (first episode of _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ fifth season), and from the original novel I always had the impression he could actually help Bram Stoker for glory. But not him letting a debt of eleven pounds go unsettled for so long (he'd either give back the money as soon as possible or kill the creditor, depending on the mood).

The Carrows KNEW what was about to happen to them: Snape told them that before they went to Hogwarts, and when Hagrid reacted that way to their arrival they realized Severus was not joking.

According to rumors, SP-117 is the codename of a Russian truth drug with no taste, no smell, no color and no immediate side effects, apart from the victim's inability to remember the talk.

The BTVS episode Evangeline showed Harry and Hermione is _Innocence_. The main danger of the episode is not Angelus nor Drusilla, but The Judge, an immortal (dismembering merely incapacitated him) demon capable of incinerating anyone with feelings and that couldn't be harmed with forged weapons. Buffy defeated him with a rocket launcher.

Claymore is the name of TWO kinds of sword. One is a Scottish basket-hilted sword introduced in the 17th century and normally used with a small shield (targe). The other, the so-called Highland claymore, is a two-handed sword, slightly smaller than others (and as such swifter to use) whose actual name is unknown (claymore being an Anglicization of claidheamh, 'big sword').

If you wonder why I got the Ravenclaws so kiss-happy, I'll dare you to re-read the novels and find me a more complete list of Ravenclaw students than the one shown at the Yule Ball after-party.

Electrum is a natural alloy of gold and silver. It's used in the same manner ancient Egyptians used it: they covered with electrum the magical sceptres of kings and the staves of high-ranking priests, conceptual ancestors of the magic wand.

Evangeline is speaking of a historical fact: with the Wehrmacht at the gates, Stalin not only refused to leave the city and cancel the traditional November 7 military parade, but, in a reenacting of Madrid's siege during the Spanish Civil War, took care that the troops parading in the Red Square were the newly arrived reinforcement from Siberia, that would directly march to the front, evoking the parade of the XI International Brigade in Madrid on November 8 1936 before counterattacking the rebel Nationalist troops assaulting Madrid. A notable morale boost for Moscow's population and a direct challenge to the Fuhrer (the XI International Brigade stalled the Nationalists long enough for more Republican troops to come and finish repelling the assault). The Siberian troops would succeed and repel the Wehrmacht.

The biplanes Evangeline is talking about are the Fiat C.R.42 Falco. While Italy started the war with more capable and modern fighters like the Macchi C.200 Saetta (fully comparable to the Hurricane) and would soon introduce fighters as capable as anything the Axis or the RAF had (even if in too small numbers), the Falco was the main Italian fighter at the start of the war, easily outran and outgunned by pretty much any other fighter in the war but the Gladiator, the Swordfish, and the U-2. The fighter's only advantage was an immense maneuverability that, in its small participation to the Battle of Britain, allowed capable pilots to score a few victories against the RAF fighters when they managed to lure the enemy into a dogfight.

Val Trompia is a valley in Italy where a vast majority of Italian firearms are produced. Given its position, during WWII it was easily occupied by the German troops and, in spite of heavy partisan contestation, remained that way until the general retreat in 1945, while during WWI it was a strategic objective of the Austro-Hungarian army, as taking over the valley would cripple Italy's ability to fight.

Warning: Molly Weasley is quite inexperienced with Far-Eastern people. Every mistake she makes is to blame only on her.

Seriously, every time he appeared or was mentioned, John Dawlish ended up defeated: first Dumbledore knocked him out so fast JKR couldn't even describe the scene, then Hagrid bashed him (ouch!), then Dumbledore jinxed him again, then Yaxley extracted information from him, information that would reveal itself fake as somebody had already Confunded him, then he was hospitalized after attacking Augusta Longbottom... Is this everything?

JKR said about Marietta "I loathe a traitor". I do too, but Marietta's position was, simply, so stressful that she couldn't resist. I dare JKR to put herself in her place.

The lupara is a sawed-off, double-barreled, break-open type shotgun of Italian origin. Originally used for wolf hunting (the name means 'for the wolf'), its easy concealability and extremely wide spread of shot made the lupara the weapon of choice for early Mafia.

Of the various journals, all the names have been made up, with a single exception: L'Eternitè is a journal appearing in the manga and anime _The Roses of Versailles_ and the official sequel _Eikou no Napoleon-Eroica_ (where it's finally named), and is Bernard Chatelet newspaper. I chose the name as an homage.

Szmalcownik (plur. szmalcownicy) was, during WWII, the slang term for Polish collaborationists who specialized in blackmailing Jews and those who hid them, deriving from the Polish word for blackmailer. Evangeline called them like that instead of Quislings because she caught the connection between the szmalcownicy act of forming gangs and actively hunting down Jews and the Snatchers' 'job'. Interestingly, in the Polish edition of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows the Snatchers were called szmalcownicy.

The battle of Wizna was the defense of a few incomplete fortification near the village of Wizna, and saw 720 Poles with 42 machine guns, six 76mm guns and 2 anti-tank rifles holding for three days against Guderian and XIX Armeekorps (mot) of 42200 troops and officers with 350 tanks, 108 howitzers, 58 guns, 195 anti-tank guns, 108 mortars, 188 grenade launchers, 977 machine guns and aircraft support. The endeavor is remembered by the song 40:1 by Sabaton, titled after an underestimated ratio of forces of 40 Germans for every Pole (the actual numbers were of 59:1).


	9. Bella Ciao

_Bella Ciao_. The original Italian Resistance song of World War II, the one that was not derived from foreign songs like _Katyusha_ and that was exported anywhere in the world there was a Revolution or the Resistance. It's time to teach the song to Magical Britain.

by lord Martiya

Disclaimer: _Harry Potter_ is copyright of JKR, Bloomsbury, and Warner Brothers. _Negima! Magister Negi Magi_ is copyright of Akamatsu Ken, Kodansha, and the various anime studios. _Bella Ciao_ is copyright of everyone who has freedom in his heart, even if the version used here was made by Antoinette Fawcett and performed in 2007 by the Love Hotel. The rest is mine.

**_Bella Ciao_**

Harry was not deterred by Evangeline's statement. He was the only one, apart from Chachamaru and Chachazero (who had their own reasons to shut up).

"You sure you didn't do it to refresh the tree of liberty with the blood of patriots and tyrants?" he asked.

"Tell that to anyone and you're dead," was the reply, telling him he hit the bull's-eye. "And what do you want?"

The newcomer on the roof, the head of the Italian commandos, spoke.

"My codename is Lampo, and I represent Italy and the Roman Alliance with its allies," he said. "Now that the people of Britain are fighting, we wish to negotiate a deal."

"About what?"

"Germany's stock of AKM and AK-74 rifles. It's not like they have a great use for them after the Reunification, and Kalashnikov-armed resistance is a classic."

"Let's speak about that."

At that moment, owls started leaving to release a special issue of the _Daily Prophet_.

* * *

Things were not going well for the Death Eaters and their supporters in Diagon Alley. As soon as Lady McDowell left, the rejects started to get noisy and grumble. Then, an Auror got his head Transfigured into a cinderblock by none other than freaking Cornelius Oswald Fudge, who had apparently decided to go down like an hero. He knew he would have been remembered as the worst Minister for Magic in British history, but he could still die fighting. And dead he was, but only after taking down three other Voldy supporters.

Then, trouble came. The Voldemort-supporting Aurors, the Death Eaters proper, and the Snatchers were all armed, and on an average they were superior, but the rejects were simply too many, and people from the houses were attacking them. The childish-looking woman with the shield-piercing shotgun wasn't making things any easier.

_Fuck fuck fuck! Why does she have to be our enemy? !_ Bellatrix thought. _The Dark Evangel is the perfect witch: smart, powerful, knowledgeable, and yet she's with the enem-Oh, pesky youngling!_

Bellatrix herself was in a pinch. She could have easily turned the tide of the battle by unleashing enough devastation to scare away the enemy, but as soon as the shotgun fired, this eye-offending guy had attacked her. And eye-offending he was: the typical Roma facial traits were not offending, and in fact he was quite good-looking, but the enormous golden ring-like earrings, what Rookwood would have called a Japanese school uniform, the trench coat, and the headband with a symbol she had seen on those Korean comics on ninja were. Frankly, if Lucius hadn't told her of his existence she would have died at the first slash of his oversized sword. Now she understood why Draco would forever remain an only child... An opening! Damn, blasting hex dodged. At least he couldn't attack that much with that thing.

"And now, for a change!"

The giant sword was replaced with a katana and wakizashi pair. _Where are the dementors when you need them?__ !__ Wait, where are the dementors guarding Diagon Alley? ! And what is that booming speech? !  
_

A vortex made of black and white lightning (the fourth, Bellatrix counted) pierced the air and hit the last survivors of Diagon Alley's dementor patrol, reducing them to dead meat and dirty rags. Oh, hel-Fuck them! This one is not casting combat spells; he's really shooting freaking high-pressure acid streams! And with that, she owed Malfoy twice: she usually used her wand to parry, but with him that would have meant losing the wand and still getting hit. His style was specific to the take down of high-level duelists by forcing them to return to lower-level defenses they were not used to anymore. How could she defeat him? Maybe...

_**"CRUCIO!"**_

And parried. Just as planned. Too bad her real attack was a blasting hex at the ground he was standing on. He was down, slightly wounded and stunned. Bellatrix went for the kill. And then she was thrown into a wall. Twice. Three times. Four! Bellatrix was too pained to count anymore. Before dieing, she could see Augusta Longbottom. The Nundu-killer of Sword Beach. Well, at least she died the same death of something that could easily kill a dragon...

After that, the Voldemort followers were overwhelmed, while words apparently wrote for that day started being chanted.

_"Oh freedom fighter, I want to fight too,_

_Against their living death."

* * *

_

On the Hogwarts Express the various prefects and the head boy and girl, Blaise Zabini and Padma Patil, had been summoned to receive instructions. And boy had they been surprised.

"Very well, children. I don't know who came up with that bullshit, but Severus Snape is not the headmaster," a white haired boy announced. "Oh, and I am Fate Averruncus, your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."

"But you're a child!" Pansy Parkinson cried.

"You're a child SIR, young lady. And I'm not a child; I'm more akin to a very advanced homunculus, a very advanced homunculus who has fought the Dark Evangel and lived to tell about it."

Pansy was about to call bullshit, then Fate smiled at her. When she came out of her stupor, she found she needed to Scourgify her panties.

"Now, the lady McDowell has fired the Board of Governors and taken direct control of Hogwarts, and she and headmistress Urashima laid out a few new ground rules. First, if you sprout any pureblood bullshit you'll answer to the new Head of Ravenclaw, his mother," he said pointing to Zabini.

"What evil monster let her near children as a teacher? !" he cried as Pansy fainted.

"The lady McDowell did. Also, we'll go down hard on bullies, from every House. If a Slytherin bullies somebody, no matter the House, we'll eat them. If a Gryffindor bullies somebody, no matter the House, we'll eat them. If a Hufflepuff, as absurd as it sounds, bullies somebody, no matter the House, we'll eat them. If a Ravenclaw bullies somebody, no matter the House, they'll be lucky if we just eat them, given the bullying issue. If you prefects and heads bully anyone, in spite of your role, kill yourself. It will be the easy way out. Now go and tell. ASAP."

They scurried out, the Slytherin prefects dragging Pansy to safety.

Fate was happy he accepted the position. It was fun.

* * *

"Welcome to Her Majesty's Ministry for Magic," Evangeline announced as they entered the Ministry hall by shadow teleportation.

The ministry had changed since the last time Harry had been there. The damage from Voldemort's battle against Dumbledore had been repaired, but the Fountain of Magical Brethren had been replaced with a statue of a wizard and a witch on a pillar supported by naked muggles, the words 'Magic Is Might' carved on the pillar (prompting the comment "War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength. Blah blah blah. What? I like reading" from Chachazero). Also, most of the visible personnel were wearing red armbands like the Snatchers, and were quite frantically preparing to resist an assault. In the chaos, nobody noticed the vampire and her escorts, also thanks to her trademarked Somebody Else's Problem Field charm (thanks, Douglas Adams) and the bright pink Zaku II suits decorated with brighter pink hearts they were wearing (thanks, Bandai).

"What are we doing here?" Harry asked.

"You are of age, and we can get you lorded up only here," Evangeline explained. "Thankfully there's a guy in the Minister's staff who can help. Fudge placed him there in the off-chance Dumbledore was not lying about 'lord Thingy's return and used him as a mole for Her Majesty in case the Ministry fell. The git was smart enough to know who wins between a wand and a machine gun, and got an unsuspected bastard for the job before wiping out his own memory about that. Oh, you'll also meet Macro, a 'noble demon' with him, here to help for his own interest."

They reached the right office without being stopped, and found that Evangeline's description of the people was quite good: the unsuspected bastard was Junior Assistant to the Minister Percival Ignatius Weasley, while Macro the 'noble demon' was a Dementor reading a magazine written in Braille.

"We meet again, Harry Potter," Macro said in a voice imitating James Earl Jones.

"Do I know you?"

"Hogwarts Express. I was inspecting the train when I felt more souls than I heard people and animals breathing in a compartment, and got chased out with a Patronus when I started Dementing and knocked out a student. You."

"And why are you here?" Harry replied, holding the Dementor at wandpoint.

"Ever heard of horcruxes? Your breathing says yes. Well, little child, I've solved the mystery of that one soul too many: it's in the scar, and I'm here for it."

"WHAT? !"

"Dumbledore was probably planning something, but there are simpler ways to deal with it, like giving me a meal."

"You are being NICE? !" Hermione cried.

"No, just smart. You see, when he gets old enough, and I speak of centuries, a Dementor finally gets smart. I won't lie, most of us are just foolish beasts following the guy giving us the most food and killing the ones who are becoming smart and acting Un-Dementory, but we few survivors make up for them. And we are smart enough to understand that excessive force can smash our bodies into enough pieces to disperse the magic keeping us undead. And if there's one thing mundanes have in too-great amounts its excessive force. That's why we smarties are on your side: the Queen will win, even if she has to destroy Wizarding Britain in the process. We smarties retired to Buckingham Palace as soon as the first mass breakout at Azkaban, and are killing the beasties every chance we get while waiting for the right moment to do something big. Like making Lord Wonderfart a little more mortal."

"Wonderfart?" Percy asked.

"Heard a guy crying 'Death to Tommy the Wonderfart' in Diagon Alley, and found it fun. Please, can I un-horcrux you, Sir Potter?"

After Macro got his piece of Voldemort and left to help the incoming assault, Percy produced the paperwork and validated it as soon as Harry signed.

"Now get out, if you want to live," he announced. "Don't know what's about to happen, but when my contact told me they'd sick the artists on the Ministry his cackling was too evil for just sending a bunch of painters."

"Bet they called them because the Gurkhas would have called too much attention..." Evangeline mused. "That and this is the special force's job."

* * *

After she and her partner started wiping out Dementors and were joined by Hikari, Nagisa had found herself in command of the Diagon Alley insurrection, and she was basking in it. She knew enough of combat to know that speed was paramount. That was why she was now leading the crowd to the Ministry through the tunnels once used to take cattle to the market. When they arrived they found a small crowd about to leave.

"Stop right there! Are you followers of the Dork Lord? !" she cried.

"You came from here? !" a dark skinned old man exclaimed. Then he answered. "We're not supporters, and we were about to run out and join you..."

"Hey! The orders were to prepare and resist!" a childish voice declared as the toad-like form of Dolores Jane Umbridge stepped out of the 'secret' passage for ministerial evacuation. Somehow, she missed the crowd of angry rebels.

"We were preparing for the rebels," a tall redheaded boy replied. "But we need an inspiration, like the woman who could keep Potter at bay. How were you doing it, again?"

"Oh, it was just a blood quill and some bull-"

That was when little Hikari hit the toad. Hard. Quite humiliating having your head cracked open and ripped off of your neck by a slap from a fourteen year old girl. It's always the quiet ones...

"OK, let's go! Follow me!"

Nagisa marched on, as the crowd sang that song. She was confident of victory. That was when the mouse-faced guy at the end of the passage unleashed a horde of zombies (inferi, the locals called them) straight out of Romero's movies. And it wasn't even the worst they had, if the far away explosion she had just heard was any hint.

_"And if die, a freedom fighter,_

_Oh bella ciao, bella ciao, bella ciao ciao ciao,_

_And if I die, a freedom fighter,_

_Then you'll have to bury me!"  
_

If only they were not chanting those verses... Better start to cast.

_**"BLACK THUNDER!"**_

_**"WHITE THUNDER!"**_

_**"PURIKYUA..."

* * *

**_

It was not a good day for Hephaestus Mulciber. Sure, after being left to rot in prison by his son he had been freed and elevated to an important position by the Dark Lord, and it had been funny and even vindicating, even better than when they went as Walpurgis Knights (that he felt being a better name than Death Eaters, but he wasn't stupid enough to tell that to his Master), but then the freaking Dark Evangel decided to reappear and not only ruined their ploy at Hogwarts but even provoked a full-scale rebellion, apparently just for the hell of it. Well, she freely admits she's evil, doesn't she?

And to take the cake from THAT, someone had blown open the visitor entrance with a huge explosion and dropped down a strange device that produced a powerful flash and noise, stunning most of the curse fodder he had brought with him. Thankfully, Death Eaters, Ministry Aurors and hit wizards, and a score of the snatchers had been smart enough to protect themselves from flashes and noises and were not on the ground writhing and moaning like disarmed and dislegged inferi from the muggle cinematography. Now they just needed to wait for the enemy behind their barricades (why waste magic for defense when a few sandbags and oak tables could stop even the Avada Kedavra?), ready to hit the vermin with a Killing Curse salvo followed by assorted spells, including a few Fiendfyres from people who had experience at using it (bet the Carrows would have taught it to the children, especially the ones liable to get burned by it).

Then, another object was dropped. It was a roundish green thing, two or three inches in length.

"DOWN! CAST BARRIERS!"

Most complied. Some of the ones who didn't and stayed up were wounded or killed by the white-hot fragments shot by the thing's anticlimactically small explosion. He was wearing an American-made Dragon Skin armor (not the leathery thing you buy in a clothing shop but actual skin keeping the protective ability), but even with that he wouldn't dare to challenge a fragmentation grenade. But its use could mean only two things: either some of the rebels had found some on the black market and were stupid (or desperate) enough to sick the muggles on them, or they were under attack from the goddamned British Army.

And as luck would have it, a half dozen soldiers jumped in, firing their guns (a new model. He knew the Lee-Enfield had been replaced with the L1A1, but he didn't know that had been replaced too) and protected by their body armor. Much worse to face than a crowd of inexperienced, under-armed and overexcited civilians.

"KILL!"

**_"AVADA KEDAVRA!"_**

Dozens of green lights hit the soldiers, killing them before they could do anymore than wound a single hit wizard by blowing up his arm with a lesser explosion than expected from explosive rounds. OK, what was the cat-Wait, before the Ministry retired the Wizarding force stationed with the Army of the Rhine he had heard that the more powerful rounds could not be fired automatically from rifles and reliably hit the target, so less powerful rounds would be used for faster fire. And the soldiers hadn't just dropped dead, they had been blown away by the small explosion of a few blocked Killing Curses, too many to have all been misfires. Meaning they had somehow crafted Avada Kedavra-stopping armors and had been killed by hits in other body parts. Crap. This will be tough...

And then a barricade exploded. One of the soldiers had apparently ignited a concussion grenade before getting killed. And the ones on the outside were dropping grenades producing white smoke. White phosphorus grenades: smokescreen and poison gas in one, superior to Peruvian instant darkness powder when it came to blinding people (including the user) and with the added bonus of getting anyone unprotected sick. The last part was easily countered.

"BUBBLEHEA-!"

Another fragmentation grenade exploded in the middle of the smoke grenades, and Mulciber was downed by the fragments.

"Fuck this, if it wasn't for the barrier... I'm getting too old," he commented before longer bursts announced the arrival of other soldiers. And they apparently had a light machine gun, if the noise and the blood splatter was any hint. " RETREAT! RETREAT!"

The Dark Lord's followers started retreating to the inner sections of the Ministry, still casting curses against the invaders. They took some losses, but managed to evacuate the entry hall, where they were joined by Wormtail and a Dementor.

"Weren't you supposed to guard the secret passage?" Mulciber asked.

"The rebels passed through there and killed Umbridge," the silver-handed Death Eater replied, getting caught by surprise when the Ministry workers cheered at the toad woman's death. "I freed the inferi, but two Easterners wiped them out and they reached the golem line."

"Damn... Well, let's deal with the soldiers first. You, it's time to eat! Go and get the muggles!"

The Dementor nodded, and started causing his horrible effects before unveiling his horrible face. Mulciber didn't know why there was a Dementor there (he suspected it was Umbridge's doing, but she was now dead so he couldn't ask), but was quite grateful for the stroke of luck of a nigh-invincible soul sucker to use against the soldiers.

"Hey, the soldiers are there, what are you doi-AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Mulciber's soul was eaten by Macro the Dementor as the Special Air Service finished mounting its heavy machine gun and started firing, its HEIAP (High Explosive-Incendiary-Armor Piercing) rounds destroying the door with ease before mowing down the surprised wizards, Wormtail first. As Macro fled, the Death Eater resistance, deprived of Mulciber's leadership and knowledge, lost efficiency, and under the combined attack of the SAS and the Diagon Alley crowd was defeated in less than an hour.

* * *

"Malfoy! Run, you idiot!" Macnair cried. "They know where you live, they'll come for you!"

"A Malfoy never retreats. Not without a good reason," was Lucius' reply while looking out of his house's window with his wife. "Besides, the mudbloods and assorted rejects are already here, and I won't miss the slaughter without a good reason. Or did you think I wouldn't prepare my house for this? After all, I have the time and money."

"What do y-"

That was when the explosions started.

"What was that?" Macnair asked.

"The reason why this home is our headquarters: little glass vials filled with explosive potions," Malfoy replied. "You see, Severus had the habit of noting what compounds made the cauldrons melt or explode, and I selected the most useful ones to blow up the leg of anyone who dared to force their way here, likely to die from the blood loss. I remember my father telling me of the Muggles having something similar, a 'land mind' or whatever, but this is better."

"You are an evil genius."

"And you haven't heard the best, yet," Narcissa said.

"The best?"

"The blaster. I wasn't good enough to create it, but I was smart enough to imagine it and rich enough to have it built," Lucius explained. "Basically, it's a device that draws from nature mana to cast twelve blasting curses every second. My specifics asked for only ten per second, but that Chao Lingshen is just that good..."

"Interesting..."

"And the best part is that between the mounts and the Israeli-made golems, they can even shoot down fliers."

"Popcorn?" the newly-arrived Rabastan Lestrange offered, while Rookwood brought out some omnioculars.

"Oh, shit... RUN!" Lucius cried as soon as he looked with the omnioculars.

The Death Eaters were puzzled by Malfoy's reaction of suddenly grabbing the emergency portkey, especially after he proved himself so sure they were safe. Then the earthquake came, making the vials explode.

_"I woke this morning, and all seemed peaceful,_

_Oh bella ciao, bella ciao, bella ciao ciao,_

_I woke this morning, and all seemed peaceful,_

_But oppression still exists."_

_Author note_

My interpretation of Fudge is somebody who had been good in department-level direction but was too weak-willed to be a good minister. Not evil. And, after what happened to his career, desperate enough to fight and dispense a horrible death to the true enemy. And he proved to be at least competent in Transfiguration (he's no McGonagall or Dumbledore, but still good enough to make you a ceramic pot without incantation).

I don't remember why, but when I created 'Mullo' I gave him a Konoha headband (of course, Bellatrix can't understand the difference between Korea and Japan). On why he wears it (and generally dresses up like that), it's to provoke a WTF reaction and be underestimated, so you won't catch him planting a knife in your guts if you piss him off. Yes, he's REALLY disturbed, and he used to be worse.

The two characters exterminating dementors are two professional monster killers with the ability to actually kill Cthulhu-like beings (they actually did so three times before their series ended). They cameoed in a single panel of Negima! during the cosplay event, and if you can recognize them I'll give you a spoiler. And no, KK, you can't answer.

If you don't know, a nundu is, according to JKR, the Leopard Beast of Apocalypse made creature of this world with poisonous breath. It's easily the most dangerous creature in JKR's world. Adding one to the German defenses at Sword Beach would mean sparing a lot of troops and artillery, and make the breaching easier should something kill the beast by bashing it into the bunkers...

The SEP Field charm is inspired by Douglas Adams' novel _Life, the Universe and Everything_, in which we have a SEP Field generator that makes people ignore the objects under it if it's ludicrous enough in the contest, like a small Italian bistro with guidance fins, rocket engines and escape hatches (it was ignored by the crowd watching a cricket game at Lord's). In this case Evangeline chose the most ludicrous MS from the game Mobile Suit Gundam: Encounters in Space, too ludicrous even for his own game.

Macro the Dementor has been named for Naevius Sutorius Macro, Prefect of the Watch in Rome (practically head of the police) under Tiberius and executor of the emperor's master stroke against the usurping Praetorian Prefect Sejanus (who was lured to the Senate by the emperor with a letter that was supposed to announce his newest promotion but suddenly ordered to arrest him. The Vigiles did so while Macro took over the Praetorian Guard, after which he served as Praetorian Prefect until deposed by Caligula.

Artists Rifles is short for 21 Special Air Service Regiment (Artist) (Reserve), the one SAS Regiment with a squadron in London. Start running, Death Eaters.

I was criticized for making the Death Eaters look like 'incompetent boobs'. Well, not all of them are: sure, I wrote Rodolphus as a moron, but Wormtail and others are smart enough to take precautions for the so-called secret passage in the lowest part of the Ministry. Wonder how many graveyards they robbed...

I named Mulciber senior after the Greek god, as Mulciber is one of his alternative names. I'll have to find a name for his son: I can't name him Angelus after Milton's poem Paradise Lost, most Death Eaters would never know of that.

According to the Potterpedia, the Death Eaters were initially named Walpurgis Knights, in a play on Walpurgis Night (the night when witches and demons gather, according to Celtic and Germanic traditions). Interestingly enough, in the novels the Death Eaters actually gathered on 30 April, Walpurgis Night, when Voldemort realized his horcruxes were being found and destroyed, and were finally destroyed two days later.

The 'green roundish thing' is a L109 fragmentation grenade. Mulciber had never seen it, but its use was similar enough to how you clear a bunker with a WWII-era Mills bomb that he guessed what it was.

I note that the Dragon Skin armor is not made with dragon skin: he got fooled by the name and the scaly appearance. It's MUGGLE Dragon Skin armor. Not as good as the Enchanted Body Armor used at the time by the British Army, but still better than the middle-ages style armor and the pressed leather used by most of those wizards who bother with armor (I think that Dumbledore wore it under his robes, and possibly Macnair who had to kill dangerous beasts with an axe for a living).

AK-proof armor and effect based on Voldemort's Killing Curse provoking a small explosion when hitting a golden statue in OOTP. The Killing Curse will heavily damage it and won't be stopped if it hits the arms or legs, and a soldier who survives the curse is hurt by the blast anyway, but it's still a huge improvement.

Again, other evidence that not all Death Eaters are stupid: Malfoy having someone make anti-personnel blast mines out of failed potions and re-inventing the machine gun without knowing of the muggle one should be enough. I will note that his versions are more effective than our actual ones, as some ingredients in the failed potions will make it near-impossible to stop the blood flow in the damaged area even with heat (something you can always do with a wound inflicted by a blast mine), while his blaster has a rate of fire superior to most machine guns, range and stopping power similar to heavy machine guns and no ammo problem, the only drawback being they are quite bulkier (similar to the original Gatling guns from the American Civil War) and can be used only from a fixed position.


	10. Before the Storm

Uhm... Apparently someone thought I killed off ALL of the competent Death Eaters. Well, they're wrong: the old guard is still around, and they were the Death Eaters that scared Wizarding Britain into ineffectiveness. And they have nothing to lose from unleashing hell again. Plus, some competent guys still remains among the younger Death Eaters, like Malfoy, Macnair, Rabastan Lestrange (someone HAD to think about the Longbottoms, and given that Bellatrix was basically an attack dog, Crouch Jr. lacks the initiative, and I wrote Rodolphus as a complete moron...) and others.

Now, another thing: lately authors trying to update fanfics in categories over 40,000 gets an error. If you authors wish to bypass it, when you get the error you have to change 'property' to 'content' in the address bar. I humbly thanks fellow author robst for placing these instructions in the latest chapter of his fanfic _No Hurry At All_.

by lord Martiya

Disclaimer: _Harry Potter_ is copyright of JKR, Bloomsbury and Warner Brothers. _Negima! Magister Negi Magi_ is copyright of Akamatsu Ken, Kodansha and the various anime studios. The first name of Mulciber junior has been suggested by reviewer rollingWater. The rest is mine.

_**Before the Storm**_

"Well, that was fun." Chachazero commented at Cho's house.

"Fun!" Harry replied. "All that bloodshed... And I feel like something opened my head with a mallet and spooned away part of my brain..."

"Exactly!"

Cho shuddered, wondering why the Heir of Ravenclaw created such a bloodthirsty servant, and then decided she was better off not knowing. Then she noted someone was missing.

"Where's Tatsumiya?" she asked.

"Tatsumiya-san left to take a coke." Chachamaru replied.

"But I have no coke here; she'd have to lea- Oh, shi-"

"WHAT THE HELL! I'M NOT PAYAAAAAH!"

"Damn..."

"Uncle Vernon?" Harry exclaimed.

Harry and Cho reached the neighboring home, where he found Mana holding his uncle Vernon Dursley at gunpoint with her Hecate II, while the poor man was preparing her a check and Dudley was dismantling an MP5 submachine gun while sitting near a military backpack. You didn't need a genius to guess who had just bought whose stock of MP5 machine guns and 9mm NATO rounds and had his own father billed...

"Oh, it's just that..." Cho said.

"Just that?" Harry asked.

"Hi, Harry!" Dudley saluted. "How are you?"

"I have a headache. You know Cho?"

"We are dating." the girl answered bluntly.

At that point Harry fainted.

* * *

After Harry and Hermione (who too had fainted at the news) recovered and Evangeline stopped laughing her ass off, the question was made.

"Why?" asked Harry.

"Death Nibblers are squishy wizards." Dudley replied.

"What?"

"Well, you know Dudley and his family stay with the Jones's who live here, right?" Cho replied.

"So?"

"Well, right after the Ministry's fall, Umbridge came here with a couple thugs and cornered me out of home. She wanted to use me as bait for you. Then Dudley popped out and knocked them out. I think Dawlish broke a few ribs..."

"Squishy wizards." Dudley stated.

"Dudley, weren't you a boxing champion?" Harry remembered.

"They can't take the hit. You may be skinnier, but you at least know how to roll a punch. That Dawlish RAN to me from two feet..."

"And you sent him flying right onto Umbridge." Cho added.

"I was one-inch-punching him because I expected a smarter action…It was just luck!"

"My luck." Cho beamed. "After that, I decided to get to know my savior, and we ended up dating."

"Wait..." Harry said. "In short, Dudley saves a girl once and gets a girlfriend, while I've saved Wizarding Britain once a year for five years straight and I'm still single…That is so not fair..."

"Isn't that Hermione your girlfriend?"

"We're just friends!"

Dudley just showed him the pinky, in a gesture that he had picked up from mangas. Harry noted to ask Haruna Saotome about that (he had seen her using it often, usually while talking with Sakurazaki).

"And what's up with the weapons?"

"They'll come for me, so why should I wait for 'em? Dad is getting old and has mom to defend, but I'm still young and strong, and Cho can defend herself."

"Oh, Harry, before I forget, please get tested for potions. You and Granger." Cho said.

"Uh? Why?" Harry replied.

"Just a suspicion I have."

"We'll do it in Japan. Now, let's go." Evangeline decreed. "It's about to rain."

* * *

In spite of what most British wizard knew (and refused to verify), technology could in fact function inside magic-saturated areas, at least when it's shielded in the right way, and the two can even be combined for marvelous results.

The most famous example, in 2003, was the _NSM_ (Nave Spaziale Militare, Military Space Ship in English) _Roma_ of the Italian Ministry. Built with the same advanced magical alloys (quite similar to the metallic components of muggle-created composite armor, only reinforced by magic and mithril) and defended by the same defensive shields and composite armor of Martian warships. Powered by a nuclear fusion reactor made possible by simple compressing charms instead of a magical reactor, and armed not with spirit cannons but a main battery of railguns (made possible by advanced magical alloys), a secondary battery of lasers (again, made possible by advanced magical alloys and crystal lenses and capacitors created by combining muggle technology and magic), thermobaric-tipped missiles, and a point defense of muggle-made Super Rapido and Breda 30mm (twin mounts) CIWS, the vessel had been caught at Ostia by the Cosmo Enteleckheia crisis, and during the Battle of Old Ostia its lasers, thermobaric weapons, 76mm proximity antibarriera shells and 30mm antibarriera AP-explosive shells massacred the demons by simply not being affected by the Power of the Lifemaker, outperforming (barely) even 'Death Glasses' Takahata.

A more diffused example were computers drawing power from a combination of ambient magic and electrical power and programmed with magical softwares, like the one that Anastasia Yurievna Cocolova (Anya for her friends) had just used to mail the scans from the latest Daily Prophet to Saotome Haruna and Asakura Kazumi. And that issue included Evangeline's speech, actions, and the immediate consequences. With pictures.

"I guess English and Scots are from the same mold, and the English just hide it better." Haruna commented.

"But that's not the important part." Kazumi intervened. "Look here."

Kazumi pointed at three pictures, representing the so-called Golden Trio: Harry James Potter, Hermione Jean (formerly Jane) Granger and Ronald Bilius Weasley. Obvious snapshots, as the caption veiledly admitted (they had been taken at that Dumbledore guy's funeral service a mere three months earlier). And Hermione Granger perfectly matched Naamah McDowell, while Harry Potter looked like a male, and scarred, version of Eishet.

"I think we have definitive evidence of Evangeline-san being involved in the anti-Voldemort movement more than she admits." Kazumi declared. "And she did a good job screwing with our heads while justifying the training. What now?"

"If she's doing it well, she'll teach them wizard spells and how to apply them creatively, and a little mage stuff." Haruna said thoughtfully.

"You sure?"

"They'd need too much time to learn the basics for magery. I'm from a family of martial artists, and the thing is similar enough."

"Martial artists?" Kazumi asked skeptically.

"Hey, during Chao's attack I took down more Chachabots than Ku Fei with my bare hands," Haruna preened.

"You think I'll fall for that?" Kazumi deadpanned.

Haruna destroyed the wall…with her finger. Not by hitting it, but with just a touch.

"Dad picked up a few tricks from his friends and taught me some." she declared. "This one was painful, but still better than what the bastard did to him..."

"Do I want to know?"

"No, the zoo would be pissed. Anyway, I think I'll call him: when it comes to creatively using anything, he's better than Jack Rakan."

"OK, now you're shitting me."

"Hey, I saw my father beating up a bear with a tea ceremony, and the village pharmacist said I wasn't on crack or LSD... Ask Ku Fei, she was there too!"

Kazumi wondered who the hell Paru's father was. Then she remembered who Paru was and that she could prepare explosive food (those bullies who had tried to pick on her in her first year still maintained she had used hand grenades), and felt that meeting him couldn't happen late enough.

* * *

Mana had stayed back to teach Dudley how to handle a gun (she wasn't stupid enough to give a gun to anyone without making sure he wouldn't have it explode in his hands) when it started raining, and Whalenon Dursley (as she had convinced herself Dudley's father was named) started complaining about the weather previsions always being wrong.

"You mean the TV said it wouldn't rain?" she asked.

"Hell, no!" he replied.

Mana ran out and looked at the sky with her magic-seeing demonic eyes. And between what she saw and Evangeline's earlier comment, she understood what was happening.

"So that's how you wanna fight... Where's the phone?"

"Lord Potter, please resume what you know about the witch burnings." Evangeline prompted in her resort.

"That muggles killed a lot of fake witches and couldn't kill a real one because of freezing charms. In short, they were utter failures." he replied, getting Evangeline's mocking laugh.

"Yes, they were ALMOST utter failures, but not because of that. No, they were failures because the Holy Inquisition saw magic as signing a pact with the devil and the gravest sin. That's why they aimed to suppress, but they failed even before I was born when Pietro Valdo's heresy was not suppressed. But they still managed to do two things.

"First, when they caught a suspected witch or wizard, they applied an old Roman procedure and stripped the poor man, taking away clothes, jewels, and anything that may have been a magical focus. They would give it back if the poor soul was found innocent, but it was rare. Then, for good measure, they'd administer the defendant the little-known moly potion—very useful as an antidote if it wasn't for its tendency to disrupt any magics in the drinker—that made a real witch safe to handle as long as she was under the potion. So, when they got an actual witch and burned her she would die.

"Second, when they caught an actual magic user they classified him as a descendant and victim of hellspawn, and verified if he knew the earthquake spell or weather control magic. If not, he was set free with the warning to present himself monthly to be checked, as being identified as known hellspawn and not showing up meant death. If they knew one of the spells, they were executed. And they in fact succeeded at extirpating both kind of magic: the earthquake spell exists only in the Italian Ministry archives, taken straight from the copy in the Papist ones conserved to better teach the counter spell, and weather control magic exists in the same form as the ability of a grand total of five people, including me."

Evangeline sipped some tea waiting for her charges to digest the revelation and reply.

"OK, why?" Hermione asked. "I understand why they feared the earthquake spell so much, but weather control would solve so many problems..."

"Including military." Harry completed. "Is one of those five people at the orders of the Russian Ministry?"

"Codenamed General Winter, with his apprentice General Mud." Evangeline admitted. "Since Ivan IV exterminated the boiards into submission, he had his Ministry imprison or kill all weather magic users in Russia but one, the first General Winter, and got him to swear an Unbreakable Oath to use weather magic only to defend Russia from external invasions, keeping his edge and teaching a single apprentice, the General Mud, who, at Winter's death, would become the next General Winter and take his own apprentice. Napoleon and Hitler learned the hard way what that means, and I know those two exist only because I overheard them talking with Stalin in 1941. Another infamous use could be Kamikaze, the immense storm that wiped out Kublai Khan's armada, but it was never confirmed. Anyway, after that the Khan and the Tenno stipulated a ban on weather magic and heavily enforced it. You can also use it to prevent rains for months or years, create floods, and the like. Now I suspect you know why Silla started what became the witch hunt and the Muslims continued."

"Who are the other two?" Hermione asked.

"One is little Lily, who used it only once to get good weather on the night of Operation Overlord. We learned from a book taken from the Inquisition when they tried to catch us. The other, whose source is unknown, is a Tom Marvolo Riddle. I suspect he stumbled on a beginners' book that escaped destruction and re-developed the art from that." Evangeline savored her charges realization that the destruction of Wizarding Britain in the crossfire of the coming battles was a really good probability. "And that's just one of the aces he still has up his sleeve. And the only one which can be neutralized easily, once Canterbury realizes what's happening. Christian priests were quite infamous for neutralizing spells and exorcising demons, even if Saint Peter got executed for that, and they never lost their edge."

"But the rest?"

"Nothing useful in combat. After all, his many tricks for crop destruction take too much time to be tactically useful, but he'll starve or bankrupt Britain if he does. Plus, he HAD to build his reputation out of something. By the way, Lord Potter, I have the analysis you asked me for." Evangeline then produced a folder, donned her glasses, and took a look. "Congratulations, you have been dosed with the patented Prewett's Bully Humiliator and a jealousy potion, both keyed for an individual identified as Ginevra Molly Weasley. And you, Miss Granger, have been dosed with jealousy potion too, keyed to Ronald Bilius Weasley, and with such a dose it's a miracle you haven't perished from overdose."

"What's the Bully Humiliator?" Harry asked.

"The most powerful and refined love potion ever, superior even to amortentia. So called because a Molly Prewett got infamous for using it to get a few bullies in love with Fluffy the Cerberus, Voldemort's arse, and a specific dungbomb that was detonated in the hands of the bully who was kissing it. Never provoke that woman..."

* * *

In Diagon Alley, Ron Weasley felt like someone walked on his grave. Almost like Hermione was mad at him... "But I didn't do anything to warrant that level of wrath. Unless…" he told to himself. "Gred, Forge, do you know if Ginny can brew the Bully Humiliator?"

"I think yes..." Fred replied. Then he and George looked into each other's eye and, as one, told their brother: "Don't worry, if Hermione gets to you before we explain you'll live forever in our hearts."

* * *

On the Hogwarts Express, Ginny Weasley felt like a tentacle monster was waiting for her, but failed to realize why.

* * *

Periphetes Malleus Mulciber was not a happy man. Of all his relatives, he had only loved his father, and for a good reason: thanks to him his first name was the same as Ephaestus' mythological son, instead that 'Eros' or 'Cupidus' like his other relatives wished. And the blood traitors had taken his father from him, and replaced the Minister with that Shacklebolt on orders of the muggle queen instead of a fight for dominance like should have happened.

"Fast bastards..." he commented as Yaxley's storm spell was canceled. They had noticed earlier than expected, but it was understandable when an island as big as Great Britain was enveloped by a storm from nowhere. "But not fast enough."

He could see Shacklebolt rising on a platform in Diagon Alley for his speech. And he was protected. A few dozen shield charms of four different kinds, an anti-arrow medallion, a complete set of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes shielded clothes, and a dragon leather breastplate. Plus, the muggle-loving aurors and hit-wizards were searching for interlopers, and only the cover from the storm had allowed him to reach his position. And that was enough for him.

Thanks to the omniocular fitted on his weapon he could see the Blood Traitor calling for the crowd. And he shot his crossbow, an old siege crossbow whose bolts were so big they could be pumped with a powerful enough barrier-breaking charm to pass all of Shacklebolt magical defenses and pierce his chest from side to side (something you couldn't do even with the muggles' biggest small arm rounds, the 12.7x108mm Russian). Which it did, skewering his heart. And it was coated in the Dark Lord's familiar's own poison. Now for the autograph…

_**"MORSMORDRE!"**_

Yes, they had an unfortunate choice of name. Yes, their leader had a stupid-sounding name. Yes, they depended on terror to win. But they WERE capable of creating terror, by careful application of death and maiming. He chuckled as he apparated away, wondering how many blood traitors would die in the explosive booby trap he left in his place.

* * *

Kingsley Shacklebolt, Minister for Magic ad interim, rose after taking the bolt out of his leather breastplate.

"Weasley, thanks for that armor to wear under the robe." he said. "Where did you find it?"

"The muggle soldiers identified it as one of their kind of body armor, called Dragon Skin for aesthetical reasons. It was Mulciber's." Arthur Weasley replied. "I'm not sure he actually knew who made i-"

An explosion announced the death of the hit wizard patrol that reached the sniping point first.

"Way to start a speech about incoming victory..." he commented. "Well, I'll have to improvise a bit before getting to the continued fight part."

* * *

It was time for classes in Mahora, and when Evangeline, her maid, and her charges showed up they caught Saotome Haruna proving to the class the real identities of Hermione and Harry (and the real gender for the latter).

"You sure took your time to realize how much I screwed up your brains." Evangeline stated. "I mean, now I owe Chao a thousand yen for expecting you to realize it earlier..."

The statement was followed by general screaming that Mana shut up with a burst from her gun.

"I had to cover for my charges, and that was the funnier way." Evangeline stated. "Now, shut up or help it."

"My father wishes to help with their training into hand-to-hand combat and unconventional use of conventional things, interested?" Haruna asked.

Evangeline was about to ask who her father was when Ku Fei went fangirl. Knowing the petite martial artist and the fact she was the only one who knew where Haruna came from and fully understood what that meant (the Library Exploration Club members failed to understand the implications, according to the crazy mangaka), Evangeline accepted.

The narrator wishes to warn the readers that Harry and Hermione's torments will soon reach the pinnacle of madness that can be reached while still taking care of keeping them sane and healthy, and that such pinnacle is well past the point of running while towing a few truck tires still attached to the truck. This chapter shall end now to let the reader digest such revelation.

_Author note_

If you don't know, the Hecate II is a Big Fucking Gun, over 1.3 meters long and weighting more than ten kilos.

The Heckler & Koch MP5 is a Parabellum-chambered German-made submachine gun and one of the most widely used weapons of its class. Mana was never seen using it, but I think she had at least one before getting the relatively recent and more difficult to procure FN P90 she has been seen using.

The 9mm NATO round is an overpressure variant of the 9mm Parabellum. Essentially, is a 9mm Parabellum round that is fired faster and hurts more.

You may not believe it, but Italy's nuclear technology has always been aimed only at the realization of nuclear fusion reactors, and a few scientists actually managed to produce cold fusion, albeit only in flukes (and that's the best result anyone got). With compressing charms lowering the energy requirements to start the reaction, our reactors would be viable without even bothering with cold fusion.

The Otobreda Super Rapido is a 76/62 naval gun for point defense against missiles and aircrafts and shelling naval and ground targets, and has a rate of fire of 120 rpm. The gun and its predecessor the 76mm Otobreda (same gun with inferior rate of fire) are among the most used CIWS systems in the world. A new round called Davide, capable of correcting its route to better intercept the target, is being developed for this gun. No idea how the starships Italian Ministry for Magic can cool the ones on the _Roma_, given that the system was designed to use sea water for the job...

The Breda 30mm is another Italian-made CIWS system, based on 30/82 Mauser Model F guns and turret systems developed from the 40mm Dardo. Available with single and twin weapons, each with a rate of fire of 600/800 rpm, it fires the same 30x173mm rounds of the mighty GAU-8 Avenger.

Just to point out: Evangeline hid the infamous Lighting Scar to the naked eye. Macro the Dementor is blind, and didn't even see the sex change (he noticed the sex change from the female-like breathing, but assumed it was a trick from Evangeline and decided not to bring it up).

Pietro Valdo was the founder of the Valdese Church, a small pre-Luther protestant church still existing in Italy. Given that he lived in the XIII century and his Church still exists, we can date to that the Church's definitive failure in suppressing heresies.

The moly potion comes from Greek myth, more accurately the _Odissey_: a potion based on the moly herb was given to Odysseus when he approached Circe's home, and, thanks to its effect, he was protected from the drug that stoned his men and the spell that made pigs out of them.

Weather control magic comes straight from the Inquisition trials' records, where it's called 'storm spell'. Same thing for the crop destruction.

Evangeline is alluding to an ancient legend about Peter and the mage Simon: after meeting again in Rome, Simon challenged Peter to a public magic challenge before the people of Rome and the emperor Nero. They were on par at changing things, but Simon could not reanimate a corpse like Peter did, and his trump card, flying thanks to invisible demons, was destroyed when Peter's prayer chased away the demons, so provoking Simon's fall and death. Peter was then executed for using magic to harm, as per Roman law.

That's my solution to the enigma about Molly Weasley's love potion at school. When pissed she'll do everything to get at you. I just wonder what those bullies did...

The 12.7x108mm Russian is the Soviet/Russian counterpart to the 12.7NATO round, used in heavy machine guns and anti-materiel rifles. To be fair, it's not the biggest round used in small arms, as some monster rifles use 14.5x108mm rounds (like two versions of the Gepard rifle) or even 20mm rounds (like the NTW-20 and the Vidhwansak), but I don't think Mulciber would know.


	11. Discoveries

Sorry for the wait, but it was a difficult chapter. Now with the training, Haruna's family, Ginny's situation, and the mysterious bond between Luna, 'Mullo', and the new Head of Ravenclaw. It will be fun. Oh, by the way, in the previous chapters I forgot to place apostrophes around the codenames of the Italians, I'll do it in the next days (not sure if I'll ever tell you the real names.

by lord Martiya

Disclaimer: _Harry Potter_ is copyright of JKR, Bloomsbury and Warner Brothers. _Negima! Magister Negi Magi_ is copyright of Akamatsu Ken, Kodansha and the various anime studios, _Ranma 1/2_ you should know, and the 17 years birthday party is an homage to a rewind gone nuts author on (read his fanfictions, he's great). The rest, is mine.

**Discoveries**

The Italian expeditionary group was picnicking. Their fun at crying out loud 'Voldemort' and then killing the Snatcher force had come to end with the Ministry retaken by the people, but they still had work, and in fact 'Lampo' was receiving new orders from Supermagia (the command of the Italian magical armed forces) with the cell phone. And he didn't love his orders.

"OK, guys, we have a job." he announced. "Apparently somebody screwed up with Potter's feelings, and politicians want us to apprehend and interrogate a suspect. 'Nori', track down Ron Weasley."

* * *

Evangeline was beating _Metal Slug 2_ again (with a single credit to boot) while glancing at Saotome Haruna and wondering about her family. Who could be her father, to get KU FEI as a fangirl?

"Sorry, where's the Tendo Dojo?"

Evangeline teleported the guy who asked where she had sent him earlier, too busy with the Mars People to care and getting a payment. Then she remembered he had been presented to her by Haruna, and of the so-called Nerima Wrecking Crew from the eighties.

"Divine Excrement..." she whispered, pronouncing what used to be a terrifying curse back when she was a child. "She's HIS daughter... Best imaginable training..."

Then Evangeline noticed that the Martians got her tank while she cursed. Oh, well, she still had all her lives, a heavy weapon and twenty bombs...

* * *

Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy had arrived to their destination with their portkey, and promptly raised their hands.

"You sure they will-" Narcissa started before hearing the Apparition pops. "Nevermind."

"Restez ou vo-Lucius?" the head of the French magie gendarme (magic gendarme).

"Hello, Louis." Malfoy replied. "We'd like to desert Voldemort in exchange for keeping a tenth of our cash before the muggle attack on us to be given to our son. And we can still explode leaving you without information."

"Damne suffisant batard... I'll have to talk with my superiors."

"No hurry at all, we came prepared."

The Malfoy couple produced a couple yo-yo and a few books and started waiting.

* * *

**"ZAKENNA!"**

"Blasting curses have no effect!" George cried.

"To hell with this! _**AVADA KEDAVRA!**_"

Ron Weasley cast his first Killing Curse, with full intention of killing. Too bad his target was a Torpedo V90 possessed by an evil spirit, and reflected it away before catching the Weasley siblings he still had to catch.

"OK, questo è nuovo." a voice said. "Mi chiedo dove li trovi, 'sti mostri..."

The three Weasley siblings looked to the talker, the tall driver of the thing, as he and his pals left the vehicle. All in Italian military uniform. And the harmless-looking one was the one replying.

"Ho avuto l'idea a Diagon Alley."

"Chiudete il becco, voi due." the boss-type said. "'Mullo', al lavoro."

The tan member of the group, evidently 'Mullo', went before Ron, chuckling a little while producing a tarot card.

"Mister Weasley, we have been told you may have dosed a Harry Potter guy with love potions." he said. "You shall now be interrogated, but not by me. Behold and tremble in fear and awe."

He did something with the card, and a beautiful violet-haired woman with elfin ears left it. Her face was quite known, thanks to the Chocolate Frog Cards, and her reputation had only grown with time. And Ron reacted as any sane person (and some insane ones: Bellatrix Lestrange would have had the same reaction) would have done: an indescrivible cry of terror accusing Ginny. Brownie points for crying a whole minute in a single breath.

"Not him." she sentenced. "He apparently realized it only recently thanks to a horrible chill and thinks it was his sister Ginny, and his brain presents no trace of alteration."

"Thank you, Lady Medea." 'Mullo' replied.

Medea vanished, and 'Mullo' polished the sweat off his forehead.

"We apologize for the inconvenience," the boss said. "Have a nice day."

The possessed car left the Weasley Twins free, and as the evil spirit was dismissed the Italians left with their vehicle.

"That was the WTFiest experience of this journey." Fred stated. "Seriously, Medea?"

"Don't say that name!" Ron begged.

* * *

_**"MORSMORDRE!"**_

The citizens of Diagon Alley looked to the sky, seeing the all-too familiar mark of the Death Eaters. Looking where the spell had been cast, they saw a pile of corpses.

"But... How?" one of the presents wondered, as nobody had seen how it happened.

Two seconds later an Auror arrived, and started to check the pile. And was pierced by the hands of the now activated inferi before being added to the small horde. The watchers started casting fire spells, burning the inferi and breaking the generating spell... And igniting the rudimental fragmentation bombs hidden on the bodies of the original pile.

* * *

Evangeline, her charges and maids, a starry-eyed Ku Fei, and Haruna were waiting for the latter's parents under the World Tree. And Harry was male again.

"Don't delude yourself, as soon as Saotome's father is out of sight you're back to female." Evangeline warned, cutting through his happiness.

"OK, why?" Harry asked.

"Because if this Saotome is who I think, I won't take any risks. I just wonder how he managed to marry..."

"Finally!" Haruna cried before remote-activating a portkey, summoning one of Japan's richest men. And one of the craziest, even if way saner than his father (especially after he dropped his delusions).

"So, thou wish to know how Saotome-san found happiness in spite of his Foul Sorcerer father?" Kuno Tatewaki asked (he didn't drop his attempts at out-elaborating Tuxedo Kamen's speeches). "I warn thou, truly it is difficult to believe."

"We've all seen many unbelievable things," Evangeline replied.

"Alcohol was the matchmaker."

Evangeline, Chachamaru, Chachazero, Harry and Hermione exchanged a look.

"You're right, it's difficult to believe. Please, elaborate." Evangeline prompted

"Very well. Saotome-san and his companions Hibiki-san and Mu-Tzu-san had just returned triumphant from a battle against a dragon sorcerer and his cronies, and we surprised him with a celebration for the seventeenth anniversary of his birth. The Foul Sorcerer forgot to avail him of the date... Anyway, we were celebrating when Saotome's secret was brought to light. Lo, I speak not of his curse, his Foul Sorcerer father be damned, but of his being a fine connoisseur of alcohol and cocktails.

"In our ignorance, we did not believe, and he decided to prove us wrong. Fools we were, we should have recognized his worth when habu sake appeared. But we continued. The wisest was Nabiki Tendo-san: while as evil as the Morning Star himself, she chose not to drink anymore after she swallowed half a shot of what Saotome-san first produced from his witching cauldron, the dreaded Strawberry Surprise."

"Was she trying to kill herself?" Harry cried.

"Arrogance, it was. Arrogance and ignorance. But we were foolish, and myself dared him to brew me a potion, and he chose the Prairie Fire. After that, my memory fades, but I know what in the end happened. My sister, her mind dominated by the alcohol, abducted Tendo Nabiki-san, and only the potions defeating her abilities to stay awake prevented a full rape. That was how Fate chose to join the Tendo and Kuno lines, as honour demanded I married Nabiki and greed, I make no mistake, made her accept and take my name.

"That was the night Fate choose to ruin the Saotome-Tendo agreement, as alcohol had Hibiki-san prove for Kasumi-sama she was truly beautiful and worthy of love, and Mu-Tzu of the Amazons found himself the father of the Fierce Tigress Akane's children.

"And Saotome, as Karma decided to compensate his sufferings, was found by love. Upon his comment of appreciation of being with them without an epic battle taking place, he, Kuonji Ukyo-san and Xian-Pu-san followed the latter's suggestion and tried to became a married trio. Xian-Pu-san's great grandmother, the Elder Ko-Lun, registered their request before preventing them from a marriage whose circumstances would have spelt pain and sufferance, and used the situation to have them become friendlier. And as Akane-san's pregnancy was discovered and myself was forced to realize what the Foul Sorcerer did to his son, the late Tendo Soun-san's erupting madness brought them together. That's how Saotome Ranma-san found happiness in marriage around the time my sister amended to him by fittingly punishing the Foul Sorcerer by-"

"I fixed Saotome Genma a couple days before my last encounter with Nagi." Evangeline finished. "Thank you, your tale explained many things."

"My pleasure."

And Kuno went away with another portkey.

"You paid for portkey just for Kuno coming here to tell the tale?" Ku Fei asked her friend.

"Ssooo worth the expense!" Haruna declared. "I mean, did you see Evangeline's face when he started about the alcohol?"

"Harry, how do you know about cocktails?" Hermione asked.

"Uncle Vernon." Harry replied simply. "Happens he was present at my parents' wedding, and met Snape when he tried to crash it. Sucker-punched him for that, as, and I quote, 'even a freak marriage is a marriage, and your father was still family. One that wasn't having me pay for them after popping out on November, damn it!', and with aunt Petunia adding he was friends with mum until she saved him from bullies and he insulted her for that uncle Vernon wanted him away to make him pay."

"OK, and this connects with your knowing cocktails how?"

"Cooking and mixing cocktails is based on the same basic principle of Chemistry and Potions, that's why they made me a fine cook and cocktail mixer and made sure I knew the reactions, just in case Snape happened to be the Potion teacher and they were forced to let me go: they KNEW he would hate me for my father."

Hermione finally understood something that happened in First Year.

_Flashback_

Snape was handing back the results of his final exam, and stopped before Harry.

"While it PHYSICALLY pains me to admit it, Potter, you are the best student of this year, outperforming Granger." he said. "You studied less than her, yet you were on par with her in theory and easily outperformed her in the practical part. How?"

"Aunt Petunia told me to say 'hi' for her." Harry replied.

Snape was left with his jaw hanging, and Harry snapped a photo.

"And uncle Vernon told me to snap the picture. How do you know them, sir?"

Snape went into a fit and had to be brought to the hospital wing for a stroke. He would later discover a rumor about two muggles being better teachers than him.

_End flashback_

Inwardly, Harry thanked Evangeline: without her lessons he would have laughed, and Hermione would have figured out he had just made up the justification for his knowledge of cocktails (after all he had promised Dudley he would never tell anyone, and he'd always prided himself on keeping a promise), and aunt Petunia's camera (she SO wanted pictures of Hogwarts), and her sleepwalking while insulting a 'Severus Snape'. Oh, and uncle Vernon for beating up Snape at his parents' wedding and bragging about it. It really lifted his spirits over the last summer.

"Stop chatting, you two, and beware." Evangeline ordered.

"Of what?" Harry asked.

As one, Evangeline, her maids, Haruna, and Ku Fei bolted away, and a split second later Harry rolled down as Hermione started casting a barrier. And was sent flying by a red and black blur. The blur then attacked Harry, who had narrowly evaded the initial frontal attack (Hermione was just a secondary target), but bounced on a barrier (cracking it) before attacking with a ball of ki that shattered the barrier and struck Harry.

"At least you're decently fast." the former blur sentenced. "Saotome Ranma, Anything Goes school, here to train you."

"Maybe I'll give them some strength training too..." a purple-haired woman said after appearing behind a pained Harry, scaring him with her casual handling of a couple Chui (the infamous Chinese war hammers) made of actual steel.

"Stand up, sugar, we have to work." a brown-haired woman said after appearing behind a flabbergasted Hermione. "Up for help, Haruna-chan, Ku Fei-chan?"

"We'll get them trained or kill them in the process, mum." Haruna announced before starting her Evil Laugh.

"You know, I almost pity them..." Chachazero said.

"Stop right there, you three." Evangeline declared. "I don't need them as martial artists, I need them adaptive enough to hand their asses back on a silver platter to more experienced wizards, including a Kishimotesque Orochimaru wannabe."

"We know." Saotome Ranma said. "We'll have to improvise a little, but I think that tying a boulder on their backs and setting wolves on them will remain useful."

"Obviously. As a starter, you mean."

"Of course."

This author refuses to describe Harry and Hermione's cry and vain attempt at escaping, concluded twenty times by the Infernus Scholasticus.

* * *

Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle were feeling strong. And free. Finally they were leaving Hogwarts, ended under control of the muggle-loving scum and mudbloods. It was sad leaving Draco there, but he was inexplicably too scared by the new Head of Ravenclaw to even consider, and-

_**"Stupeficium."**_

And they got stunned by a single Stunner, Italian variant. Vocally casted for added mockery.

"Lucky shot." 'Pietro' said.

"It's skill. He's done it too many times for that to be luck." 'Mullo' commented about their boss' latest stunt.

"Let's bring back these idiots, we have a rapist to identify," 'Lampo' said.

'Pietro' lifted the two Slytherin idiots and followed the group to the castle's main gate, where the new head of Ravenclaw appeared from nowhere to greet them.

"VADE RETRO, SATANA!" 'Franco' the demon summoner cried in terror, trying (and failing) to exorcise her.

"Ommioddio... MERCY!" 'Pietro', the giant who feared nothing, commented her presence, his immense courage giving him the ability to switch from Italian to English to plead mercy while moving between her and a trembling 'Xadhoom'.

"Cristo Santo... May we know why in the Nine Hells are you here?" 'Lampo' asked, figuring that if they weren't currently being attacked by some monster, horde of fireproof living dead, or worse they were safe.

"My cousin's the new Head of Ravenclaw." 'Mullo' explained. "Cousin, it's too much time we don't meet!"

"Since my last marriage. Indeed, too much time," she replied in what most people would mistake for a complete lack of emotions in her voice. "Why are they staring?"

"They thought my brother was joking when he told them you were sixth grade cousins twice removed." 'Nori' explained. "After all, he's relatively sane, conventionally speaking."

"Uh... Well, we'd need to interrogate a person..." 'Lampo' said after recovering (and mentally swearing to NEVER piss off 'Mullo'. He always thought he could outfight him with his superior skills, but you never underestimate one of THEM and survive. Case in point, a black widow serial killer that had managed to tie to electric chairs the entire main branch of the family (head of family, his wife, his brother (and her husband), his mother in law, the two children, the gigantic butler and the handservant), but died pulverized for forgetting the littlest child, who wasn't even a year old and couldn't even walk).

"Follow me." the Head deadpanned.

The now calming commandos followed the gorgeous and scary woman to a small room, where they found a pajama-wearing Ginny Weasley tied up to a chair and sleeping near Luna Lovegood, who was reading a book about alien empires while keeping her under surveillance.

"Thank you, cousin, you may go." the Head said, scaring the commando again.

As the dreamy blonde left, 'Nori' produced a vial of veritaserum and administered it to Ginny, ready for the interrogation.

"Are you Ginevra Molly Weasley?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Are you a Hogwarts student?"

"House of Gryffindor, to be accurate."

"What color were your panties during your last date with Harry Potter?"

"I was going commando."

"OK, it works. Did you ever brew the Bully Humiliator and a lust potion?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"To get rid of the Toad and her boss."

"Run that by me again?"

"To get rid of Dolores Jane Umbritch, who looks like a toad, and her boss Cornelius Fudge."

Definitively not what they were expecting.

"How?" 'Nori' continued asking.

"We planned to have her try and rape Draco Malfoy. Then his father would have destroyed her and Fudge, who had sent her here."

"Oh... Wait, you and who else?"

"Colin Creevey."

"And what happened to the potions?"

"They were ready the day after we got rid of the Toad by another way, and I told Colin to destroy them."

'Nori' had all the data they needed and administered the counter-agent.

"Well, we'll have to set up another interrogation." 'Lampo' stated. "'Mullo', fetch this Creevey."

'Mullo' wasn't there.

"He followed Luna," the Head said.

"Mist... After all the efforts to keep them away at the clan reunions..." 'Nori' commented.

"Why?" 'Pietro' asked.

"I was trying to get a normal-looking sister in law, so we wouldn't scare my parents. Now go and fetch that depp Creevey, I want to vent on the furzkopf!"

"The what?"

"Farthead!"

'Pietro' ran and fetched Creevey: when 'Nori' started swearing in a creative way she was NOT to be crossed. Especially if she could stand THAT family.

This author feels it's safer for the readers to not report Colin Creevey's interrogation, especially after he confessed, near a now awake Ginny Weasley, he had been the one dosing Harry and Hermione, as he wanted Harry in a horrible relationship with Ginny so he could console and seduce him when she broke his heart and leave Hermione unable to interfere. The only thing I can say is that Ginny had a copy of _Evangeline's Guide to Male Torture_ (purchased with _Evangeline's Guide to Female Torture_: _Female_'s for Harry's groupies who couldn't take a no and in case a girl broke his heart, _Male_ for Malfoy), and she and 'Nori' used it with a passion and a proficiency that would have given an orgasm to Bellatrix Lestrange, after she got over her jealousy.

* * *

"What are these screams?" 'Mullo' wondered.

"Colin must have been the culprit, after all." Luna replied. "Let's continue, OK?"

Between Colin's screams of pain and Luna's screams of joy, nobody slept that night in Hogwarts.

_Author note_

Supermagia is a mix of the Italian words for 'supreme' and 'magic', follows the same naming convention of the WWII Italian supreme commands of army (Superesercito), navy (Supermarina) and air force (Superaereo). Note that Italian fascism-era magical military survived WWII, while non-magical were thankfully wiped out and reformed in real life (we put incompetent officers out of troubles way instead than making them general officers, even outside the Carabinieri. Don't pick a fight with Italy, this time we won't screw up).

Yes, it's the mythical Medea. The myth describes her abilities as an unmatchable potionist and healer and possessing enough mind power to force an unbeatable bronze giant created by Hephaestus to commit suicide with just a look (either by hypnotizing him or paining him so much he killed himself), plus, possibly, the transformation tricks of her aunt Circe. And while her reputation among the magicals doesn't include the murder of her children the ancient Corinthians framed her for (they paid Euripides for that), she's still one not to be trifled with. How she appeared there? Well, I TOLD you he has a ludicrously powerful deck of Tarot cards...

Kuno is speaking of the epical Herb battle in the manga.

Habu sake is a very powerful brew of sake, whose bottles can be recognized for having a DEAD SAKISHIMA HABU SNAKE INSIDE.

Strawberry Surprise is an actual cocktail created by mixing grain alcohol and pepper spray. You can now understand why swallowing half a shot at once is a bad idea.

About Vernon's relationship with Snape…let's face it: Vernon Dursley is a hell of a conservative, more royalist than the Queen, and it would be only logical for him to hate someone who would try and crash a wedding of his family, and would beat him up if he just gave him a reason (Snape tried to draw his wand after telling him to go away and added pureblood insults. He was at arms length and Vernon's bigger than Snape, definitely enough to knock him down with a punch). About my reasoning for him hating Harry...well, I don't think he would have loved Harry, but he would have behaved if he got the stipend, and I'm willing to bet that Dumbledore just forgot that the Dursley's had no ability to go to Gringotts to take it and failed to arrange something more muggle-friendly.

Evangeline specified the Kishimoto's Orochimaru because he, Jiraya, and Tsunade are taken from _Jiraya Kotetsu Monogatari_ (_The Tale of the Gallant Jiraya_), a never completed newspaper novel quite popular in Japan whose protagonist is the eponymous Toad Hermit, Tsunade is his wife, and Orochimaru his apprentice gone bad. Evangeline expects the father of an otaku to know about a recent manga (if only because Haruna would annoy him with it), but given Ranma's age wouldn't expect him to think about Kishimoto's version before the original.

'Stupeficium' is the spell that the Italian edition of _Harry Potter_ uses in place of 'Stupefy'. Don't know why the change, so don't ask. I just used it to represent a national variant.

There IS a reason that 'Nori' cursed saying 'mist' and 'depp': while she's from the southernmost part of Graubünden and her first language is Italian, she can still speak German, especially if she's swearing. Chose those particular curses from an online German curses dictionary just for effect.


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